Quarantine Wednesday April 15th 2020

Posted on April 15, 2020 by Joe Cummings

This seems about right.

Joy can come in the oddest ways these days. At 10am and 4pm, I was almost delirious with happiness. However, a lot more happened today than that.

Outside our house, in New Zealand, their prime minister took a 20% pay cut amid coronavirus pandemic. Our prime minister continued with a 2% increase because, I guess, no one is stopping them. Imagine if you could set your own pay rate and give yourself a raise any time you wanted?

In Pennsylvania, a 93-year-old woman got 150 cans of beer delivered to her door after a viral plea for “more beer.” Why didn’t I think of this?

Here, yesterday, we went on a birthday ride. Ok, I should have mentioned it yesterday but whatever. I love the idea of having a few people drive by and celebrate someone’s birthday (usually a child.) The article is here. The-Youngest has grown up with her.

But my happiness didn’t come from me being giddy at politicians giving themselves a raise, no, it came from a successful shopping trip!

You know my routine. Have a list and a plan. Have wipes. Get there at rope drop (8am) and grab my essentials. Usually, I can get about 80% of my list (not including things that no one ever has any more like TP, sanitizer or wipes.) However, this time, I got TP, a Lysol spray and Lysol wipes, and…and… and Kleenex.

Kleenex!

I was so deliriously happy that I think I may have cried in the lineup. For the first time in 34 days, I got resupplied on things that simply hadn’t been in stock. Oh, frabjous day, Callooh! Callay!

I got only 1 of each, but still, it was so nice to be able to have a wipe container in the car and not have to carry around one like a hobo with a scooby-doo lunch kit.

It’s so funny how much happiness a shopping trip can bring in this new world. Maybe now I get the whole shoe-buying phenomena back in the day.

Here, the Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World hit her 34th day in nearkt complete and utter isolation from everyone (except her kids and smelly-old me.) It’s hitting her hard, and I hope she’ll be able to see people soon. Facetiming isn’t quite the same.

But it’s still something!

Because at 4pm, we got to chat with two dear friends from Victoria. It would have been great to have a coffee with them, but Face-Timing totally worked. By the end, I was deliriously happy that I could talk to someone in the outside world.

So, two happies in one day. A complete success.

Less successful, though, was my creation of a compost pile. Like building Ikea, I didn’t read the instructions and ended up with a bit of a slimy mess. However, having YouTubed it, I know how to fix it.

But why compost?

Well, I have a weird desire to grow something. So, after talking on the phone to a friend (who then dropped off a pepper plant for us!!!), he sold me on the whole idea of growing some herbs, maybe a tomato or two, maybe a potato, maybe even a line of carrots.

Hence, the compost.

Now, while I was busy discovering the mess I’d made last year when I kind of half-assed the whole compost thing, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World and her boys went for a long walk in the sunshine. The-Youngest looked like something out of a vampire movie, while I don’t think The-Oldest has seen the sun in 34 days, so it was good they all got out.

They said they had a great time.

As well, at night, they all do a rigorous routine of exercise. Jumping jacks. Push-ups. Sit-ups. All done with as much noise as any three human beings can make.

For supper, I BBQ’d some burgers, then we all retired to do our own thing.

And such is the life in quarantine. A good, simple life.

Until tomorrow, be safe, be healthy, and respect the new world.

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Quarantine Tuesday April 14th.

Posted on April 14, 2020 by Joe Cummings

What I think I’ll look like with long hair vs the reality

Nothing went as I thought it would, today, but that’s not always a bad thing (despite my need to control everything in a god-like way.)

First, in the outside world – Boris Johnson, the English prime minister, is getting better. He’s not my prime minister, so I really shouldn’t care, but I do. I’m glad to see him recover.

In Canada, we’re most excited to hug friends and eat out, says a local poll. I know this whole ordeal’s been super tough on The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World so hugging or simply seeing people face-to-face would be number 1, but I’m going with the ‘eating out thing’. Hello Earls french fries, I have missed you so much.

Here, I like my new long hair. I’m basically going for the Jason Momoa look minus the…ah… you know, height, muscles, and handsomeness, but it is known, I can speak Dothraki. “San athchomari yeraan!”

Anyway, here’s how I thought the day would go.

After I got my shopping done, we’d get the boys up. I imagined that would be a huge chore and would likely involve a hose, a bull horn, and a wet-willy at some point. Now, since we can’t actually beat them, the hose would be used for the application of cold water, the horn to make sure we were heard, and the wet-willy, well nothing wakes someone up faster than something wet in their ear. Then, they’d get their homework and we’d repeat the motivational procedures until everything was done.

However, that’s not how it started out- Both boys got up without nagging. They just… got up.

I thought I was dreaming.

I was gobsmacked (arguably the greatest word in the English language after moist.)

Then, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World took them to school to collect their things. Apparently, it was relatively well-organized, and they both came back without tattoos, illegitimate children, or textbooks that weren’t their own.

However, after the boys got home, they downloaded their homework assignments.

Ah, ha! I knew how this scene played out, so I rushed to get the hose, the bullhorn, and a rubber glove for a squeakier wet-willy, but by the time I got back, the boys had started their homework without nagging. They just… started.

No, that’s not even right. They both raced to their computers and gleefully attacked all the homework that they’d been given!

I know, you think I’m fibbing, but it was like starving honey badgers finally finding, ah, honey? Anyway, I was officially super gobsmacked.

I had to sit down.

This was not how I thought the day would go at all.

Bored, I gave myself a wet willy. It is indeed, horrible.

While the boys worked on their homework (without stopping, without being nagged to go back and finish!!!!), and I stuck random wet things in my ear, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World worked on her own homework, and then got a chance to chat to her coworkers. I heard crying, but it was happy crying. I think. She misses her friends and family a lot, and being so isolated has been difficult.

At this point, though, I’m just not sure what tomorrow will bring. The last few things I’d been certain about have been shattered as surely as my feelings at the grade 8 disco dance.

So, I may not be getting out of bed tomorrow.

In the meantime, be safe, be healthy, and respect this new world.

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Quarantine Monday April 13th 2020

Posted on April 14, 2020 by Joe Cummings

I know some would consider him an essential service

We have the boys back, and all is good. Only one thing went wrong, but that was like being jabbed with a sliver of wood when a comet is about to hit the earth.

However, some interesting news. Krakatoa volcano erupted. Not a big one, but jeez, what the hell? WWE (wrestling) was declared an essential service. I had to blink twice when I read that. A what? Essential… ? What next? Celebrity spas declared essential? Casinos? Jason Momoa’s hairdresser?

Lastly, a group of utter morons decided to protest the.. what? The virus? Or social distancing? Or rules? Who knows. They had all sorts of stupid conspiracy theories about this crisis, but one of the idiots who held up a sign “Fake news” still wore a mask. That’s like protesting against fatness while eating a chocolate bar.

Here, though, things were good. As soon as the boys got home yesterday night, we did an Easter egg hunt. Not that I could find many easter eggs when I did my one and only shopping trip (damn easter egg hoarders!), but they still both raced around the house like ferrets on speed, and of the 42 eggs (small, little ones that looked like a rabbit had pooped them out), each found 21.

That’s never happened before. Usually, one boy or the other just murders the quest. The-Youngest is faster and very eagle-eyed, but The-Oldest is taller and wiser and knows where ‘the Easter Bunny’ likes to hide stuff.

However, today, the boys got a barrage of emails about school tomorrow. One was super excited to get back to school, one was not. I feel for The-Oldest, the one excited about school. He planned to make this the best year, ever and now that’s as dead as a movie with any of the Suicide Squad characters.

Most of the emails were pretty vague as to what was going to happen and when, but more information will be coming. My guess is that teachers are still sorting it all out. I mean, hey, they have to reinvent the whole system in a matter of weeks.

I see the biggest challenge, music-wise, as the instruments. The-Oldest plays about a billion things as a one-man percussion section in the band (and for the musical, The Little Mermaid), so how is he supposed to do that? As well, The-Youngest plays something about the size of a small elephant (the bass saxophone) and has to share that with others.

How’s that all going to work?

I know, I know, more information coming on Tuesday.

My great failure, and the only thing that went wrong on this beautiful day, was trying to get the boys to make a diary. I mean, hey, this is a historical time, something they will tell their grandchildren about, so why not spend 5 min writing something down.

There were no takers.

“Don’t worry,” The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World said, “By the time they’re grandpas, they’ll just invent the facts anyway. ‘Back in 2020, yup, I remember that pandemic. We ate cardboard and had to wipe our asses with leaves, and not just any leaves, no sir, poison ivy leaves.”

She may have a point, but I’m not done bugging them yet.

For supper, I made an epic turkey dinner. Ok, not really that ‘epic’ as I had to use packaged stuffing, canned veggies, and a frozen turkey roll (instead of a real turkey), but it still tasted good.

Then, for the evening, we watched Onward, a free Disney movie that would have been in theaters right now except for the fact no one can go to a theater. Now, that was one great movie, a Pixar movie in the finest Pixar tradition. It makes you laugh, it makes you cry, and from a story-telling perspective, it hits all the beats at precisely the right moments.

So that was how we survived the day.

I hope everyone had a great Easter, and are healthy, safe and respecting the new world.

 

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Quarantine Thursday April 9th 2020

Posted on April 10, 2020 by Joe Cummings

Having spent a sleepless night worrying about The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World’s sudden onset of… what, a cold, of Covid-19, who knows, but I guess I lost my sense of humor. I mean, what if despite our BEST efforts, she has the stupid virus?

It’s the uncertainty of it all that drives me nuts.

In the early part of this outbreak, I remember reading an article that supposedly answered all our questions about the coronavirus. It was a 10 point article, like Joe’s top 10, only less funny. The thing is… about 7 of 10 of those things they answered by saying we just don’t know.

And the things that we were told to do, well, some can’t be done. Use hand sanitizer? Great idea, but they’re rarer than someone who hasn’t seen Tiger King.  Wipe down surfaces with a good disinfectant? Excellent idea, if you can find some, but the shelves are as empty as a cookie jar you think you’ve hidden from a toddler.

So do we know more now?

A bit for sure, but there’s still a lot we don’t know.

Do we wear masks now? It seems like we should, (read about it here), though there are, generally, no masks available to the public (the limited quantities are rightly given to the healthcare workers.) A few weeks ago, everyone said, no, but now? I guess it’s a yes.

Do we make our own masks out of old t-shirts? (Here) Wear Halloween masks? How about a diving mask with an oxygen tank?

Personally, I think the diving mask would be fine, if somewhat odd-looking, but I think if it can reduce the chance by even a small amount, why not give the old t-shirt thing a try? I mean, for years we went to see Canuck games on the off chance they might actually win one, so is this so different?

So can we go out in public at all? A Dutch study says no, that it’s actually worse (here), at least for runners or bikers (and not the leather-wearing, engine rumbling kind). I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I’m surprised someone hasn’t done a study saying the virus can be spread by someone sneezing into a rainstorm and infect a butterfly on the other side of the world.

And what about our pets, seems there are some nasty new articles out there saying we can spread it to our pets? Or at least our cats? (see here) Is this true? It may be, but here’s the thing. Behind the headline is the fact that none of the cats or dogs died because of it, so I think it’s ok to hug your dog or snuggle your cat.

I guess in such an uncertain world, so much is uncertain. I think Buddha said that. Or Groucho Marx.

As a concerned citizen and a vaguely law-abiding one, I just need clear guidelines on what to do. First, it was don’t gather in groups greater than 20, then 10, then 5, then don’t even go to your hairdresser.

This is all very disheartening.

However, the one thing that did ring like a clarion-bell of truth was that this virus spreads by us. Not by an internet connection or by hugging a tree, it spreads by human-to-human contact. So, we chose to quarantine before it was the thing to do before we received any official guidelines to go play with ourselves (or something like that.)

The numbers back up our move. We can slow the curve, give hospitals the breathing room to manage the influx of patients, and buy time for the professor from the Simpsons to find a treatment and/or vaccine.

Of all the things that are uncertain, only that seems like a path we can follow.

(Oh, and The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World thinks all she has is a cold, no massive aches, no trouble breathing, no fever… but then, again, in these times, we just don’t know for sure until it passes.)

Meanwhile, be safe, be healthy, and respect this new world. I’ll return to blogging on Monday.

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Quarantine Wednesday April 8th 2020

Posted on April 8, 2020 by Joe Cummings

What makes a good day has changed so much in the last month, but today was a GOOD day. I’ll explain more in a moment.

First, though, the outside world.

In China, with the zoo closed due to the coronavirus, two pandas, that had tried to mate for a decade, (Ying Ying and Le Le), finally did it. I feel like we all should collectively smoke a cigar. I want them to name the baby Co-Vo.

In BC, no animals mated unexpectedly, but Bard on the Beach was canceled. When asked if it was to be or not to be, I guess they decided not to be. I think I hear Hamlet weeping.

In our neck of the woods, the May Day Parade was also canceled. It wasn’t exactly a Russian May Day Parade, with tanks and nuclear missiles, but it had a lot of old cars and that made it kinda cool.

So, why was today a good day?

We got the boys back for most of the day.

Gosh, I missed them a lot.

Being a stepdad I never realized how quickly you get pulled into their lives, how quickly you begin to care about them, worry about them, and, yes, love them. So, having them with us made the day shine a little brighter, made Beethoven sound a little more magical, and even made the dinner taste a little bit better.

The-Oldest played the piano as he always does, loudly so that someone in France can hear him. The-Youngest worked on his dream of going on a rollercoaster trip next year (“did you know if we got our rental car from Enterprise instead of Budget, we could save enough for a whole day at another park?”)

Both got a lot more information on what would happen next week with their schooling. Not all the teachers have chimed in, yet, but it looks like there’ll be a good number of hours spent on-line in a virtual classroom. I tell you, though, if I have to figure out new math, I’m going to become a day drinker.

Much to The-Youngest’s horror, his gym teacher will be requiring him to do something as yet unnamed. He’s already figuring out how to engineer an automatic sit-up or push-up machine.

However, we didn’t do anything special, today. Had lunch and supper together. Watched 2 episodes of Community. Chatted about this and that.

It was wonderful.

Still, you know, I so wanted to write a funny story about today, but a good funny story needs things to go wrong, and nothing went wrong, (unless you’ve watched Justin Trudeau saying ‘moistly,” then you know that sh*t’s hilarious!)

I do have a regret though. When they left, I didn’t give them a hug, completely understandable in the current virus crisis, but I also didn’t say how amazing they both are and how they’ve made our lives a billion times better. I didn’t say, man, you both are growing into fine, young men. And I didn’t say I love them.

I hope to do better when I see them next.

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Quarantine Tuesday April 7th 2020

Posted on April 7, 2020 by Joe Cummings

Pokemon sad. Pokemon not want to stay inside.

I have a confession, but first, let’s look at where the world is at.

In Japan, the Prime Minister declared a state of emergency. No more Pokemon Go-ing.

In BC, lotto sales are down, which astounds me, I would have thought more people would be investing in the lotto than the stock market. In Vancouver, Stanley Park is going car-free. The trees will be happy.

Here, without the boys, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World worked on her homework as diligently as Ben Affleck trying to outdo Matt Damon’s cinematic success. It’s really quite impressive. She chases out the dog, locks herself in the room and powers through her courses, typing tests or webinars.

When she emerges, she’s usually full of all sorts of cool information like how to deal with difficult people (a skill she now uses on me all the time), how to be a better listener, why a keyboard is set up the way it is, or that Pokemon means Pocket Monster. Her brain is now so stuffed with knowledge, I think it’s turning her hair grey.

As for me, yes, I confess, I am now watching cooking shows.

It could be worse, I guess, (like watching bachelorette or reruns of Manimal), but I kinda got interested in cooking things now that I can’t just eat at Earls or go to Paris for a croissant.

In my time, I did watch Kitchen nightmares and Top Chef, but those are really just entertainment shows, like the news these days. Now, however, I’m watching how to make a good Irish Shepard’s Pie, with Guinness or the best ways to BBQ a maple beer burger, or how to cook an amazing soup with lentils, fish stock and wine.

Ok, a lot of those recipes seem to have alcohol in them, but that’s part of cooking, if I’m understanding things correctly. A little slosh in the marinara, a little slosh for you, a few ounces of tequila in the tacos, and a shot for me, a cup of red wine in the aptly-named slow cooker red wine pot roast, and 2 glasses for me.

Ok, make that 4 glasses.

Yesterday, I made a decent roast chicken. Today, we had leftovers. Efficient, economical, and tasty.

It’s weird though, I started out with a whole bottle of wine, but by the time the chicken was in the oven, the bottle was empty. I don’t remember drinking it, but then I don’t remember how I ended up in my mustang with no pants, singing My Sharona while writing my blog on toilet paper. (I’ll have that blog for you tomorrow).

Anyway, I have great plans to create some incredible meals, to make my own chicken broth, and if I can figure it out, maybe my own potato vodka. Who knows?

Wish me luck, I need to get more groceries soon (and about 3 shopping carts full of wine, liquor and beer – essential cooking supplies).

In the meantime, be safe, be healthy and respect this new world.

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Quarantine Monday April 6th – Shopping!

Posted on April 6, 2020 by Joe Cummings

my store

I have to say, when I first started this blog, I thought we’d all be through this whole Coronavirus thing. I thought, hey, maybe we’re overreacting, but no, it looks like we’ll be quarantined for some time now.

Like the rest of the world.

However, at least now, I can venture out and get my groceries. I’ll probably do this about twice a week, but being super paranoid, I want to do it right. So, here’s what I do.

I plan what I have to get in my head. Like I plan a lot of things, like conversations, jobs I have to do, or who should I assign to delete my browsing history?

I figure out what we’re going to eat, what treats we need, and then I add milk if we have the boys, or a lot of chocolate if we don’t. By knowing WHAT, I can then figure out where to get it, unless The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World has put something like rabbit bile for her latest creation, then I have to guess.

Also, part of what I plan is when to go. That’s easy, really. I go first thing in the morning. To Save-On. Ok, sure, they’re not entirely restocked at 8am, but during these times, they’re not restocked at any time, really.

I get there right at 8. Like. Right. At. 8.

I grab the sanitizers and sanitize the hell out of the cart. Hell, even before I’ve left the house, I have wipes and have wiped down myself, the car, and even my credit card. I want to be surgically sterile.

Anyway, I grab the cart.

Mostly the only people there are older than me. By a lot. Or at least I like to think ‘by a lot.’

That’s sort of the good news and the bad news.

The good news is that my competition is slow and will likely forget they came for toilet paper. The bad news is that they are slow and will likely forget why they came to any one aisle.

So why is this a problem?

See, in this new age, there are arrows in the aisles so that we can all go down one at a time and not bump into each other. This is really cool, actually, though I used to shop like a squirrel looking for nuts while being chased by a rabid tiger.

But when someone super slow gets in an aisle, it creates a massive traffic jam. I will likely be that person in a few years, but right now, I want to get in and out faster than Jesse Owens at a KKK meeting. So, when I race around the corner, my shopping cart tires squealing, and I see someone slow in the aisle, I back up, making beep, beep, beep sounds, and find another aisle.

Sadly, though, I had to stop once to help someone get something down from a shelf. My, but that was fun. I had to say ‘I could get that for you,’ from 20 feet away, then repeat myself, louder, then ask her to step away like she’s a leper with a Nazi armband, then when she stepped away, I grabbed the item and placed it on a lower shelf. Then I backed away like it was a bomb.

It can be weird, let me tell you.

However, because I have a plan, I can hit and run the aisles very quickly. Bag of onions, Bang. Whole chickens. Boom. 14 packs of bite-size O-henry’s. Deep shame, but ba-bang.

Every aisle, I wipe my hands down, no matter what I’ve touched, and because I am very, very bad at not touching my face, the only way I do it is with the sleeve of my jacket, which then gets washed when I get back home.

So I think I’m doing ok when I do my runs. I don’t bring our reusable bags, I don’t linger to chat with anyone (like I did anyway!!!), and things like the milk fridge or frozen section, I wipe down with my wipies before opening.

It’s a chore, but I would hate to think I passed along something to someone or brought something home.

When I get home, I unpack, wipe down everything that needs wiping down, wash fresh stuff, and store it all away so I can make happy-time meals.

On this trip today, I was able to get almost everything on my list. At a certain point, things like hand sanitizer, wipes or cleaners (though I did score bleach last week!) are pretty much a pipe-dream. So, we’ll eat well, and I know I’ve done my best to protect my family and my community.

Now, where’s that bucket of chocolate chip ice cream?

So, please be safe, be healthy, and respect this new world.

meme of the day

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Quarantine Sunday April 5th

Posted on April 5, 2020 by Joe Cummings

Time for a walk on the wild side.

But first, an update on the world. In Britain, their Prime Minister was admitted to the hospital due to the Coronavirus, and the queen addressed her country. Here or below.

It brought a tear to my eye, like my favourite grandmother giving us hope. I suspect the queen will outlive us all.

BC suspended the Horseshoe Bay Nanaimo ferry service. In other news, Orca whales are now happy they don’t have boatloads of people gawking at them.

Locally, gas is as low as 85 cents (Paz Fuels in Aldergrove). My goodness! Too bad I’m using the car about as much as I’m using my Thigh-master.

Inside our little house, we still missed our boys. I honestly didn’t think I’d miss them as much as I am, but there it is.

The big event for The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World and I was going for a walk. This decision was not taken lightly, but the weather looked great, and we just kinda needed to get out of the house.

Little did I know I’d get to live out one of my childhood fantasies. I got to be a badass.

See, when we walked along the sidewalk, everyone walked to the other side of the street. As a kid, I did this a lot to avoid being grabbed and given Indian arm burns or pink bellies by the bigger kids (hey, it was a different time back then), so I think I walked a little taller imaging this was the case.

Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World: “Are you ok? You’re walking funny.”

“I’m walking like a gangsta.”

“From West Side story?”

“Yup, just wait until I break out in song.”

We even made an entire family run and hide behind the cars in their driveway.

What badasses are we?

Ok, if I’m more truthful here, it was so good to see people taking the social distancing very, very seriously. Despite my fantasy, we crossed the road to avoid others as much as others crossed the road to avoid us. (Seems like there’s another joke in there somewhere, but I’m too tired to find it.)

No one stopped to talk, though we waved at everyone in a good-natured way. Like the queen would.

At the park, we saw a mom having a talk to her child about this crappy situation. She lay down in the grass beside him, her hand on his knee, his head down, a soccer ball in his lap. He seemed about 6 years old and looked like he was crying. My guess, playing with Mom wasn’t as much fun as playing with his friends.

We all get that.

It was a tender moment, though, the two in the center of an open field, alone, but together.

In another field, we watched a dad and his daughter play catch. Christ, she had a wicked arm and hurled that ball at the speed of light. She must have been The-Youngest’s age. About 13.

Again, both were alone, together, in the middle of a field.

Not my picture, but a cool one

We also saw a ton of painted rocks. Back in my day, we’d have called them pet rocks, but it’s a thing out here in Langley. Kids all around our neighbourhood have been painting rocks with inspirational colours and inspirational messages. It was so uplifting to see how many had been placed (though I hoped they’d also been sanitized), and all the other kids we saw on bikes or walking with their parents, stopped to look at each and every rock.

How cool is that?

Tomorrow, those in need can apply for Canadian Emergency Response.

Here. <—————

In the meantime, be safe, be healthy, and respect this new world.

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Quarantine Saturday April 4th.

Posted on April 4, 2020 by Joe Cummings

Truth is, I wander around the house in the other outfit too.

I found something alarming today.

However, before we get to that, a quick update. The boys are safe. The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World and I are fine. I bounced out of yesterday’s darkness and went looking for humor.

In the house, Vegas is snorting like a pig to get attention. What the hell? Barking isn’t working as effectively, I guess.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World did tons of homework for work, which really is the definition of home-work. She also cooked today (no, not meth), she prepared a fantastic supper and then phoned her Baba. Of all the people we’re worried about most, it’s her 96-year-old Baba who lives in a nursing home. Baba is doing fine, thanks for asking.

As for me, I found something while organizing a dresser drawer.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World’s to-do-list!

Read on in horror.

Her secret To-Do List:

  • Cut Joe’s hair. Kelly, my hairdresser, said I couldn’t cut my own hair, but she didn’t say anything about cutting my husband’s hair.
  • Pinch off Joe’s sleep apnea tube. How long could he last without air?
  • Ask Joe to bring a new chair upstairs so I can use it in my office. I know the chair I want, but I’ll get him to bring up 10 other chairs before I finally tell him the right one. How many times will Joe go up and down the stairs with a chair before he either dies or stops getting chairs? I’m taking bets at 9.
  • Make a list of super embarrassing things for Joe to get at the grocery store. Feminine hygiene products are too easy now. Anal wart cream? Is there such a thing? Maybe it shouldn’t even be real so that when he can’t find it, he has to ask.
  • Send Joe out for Timmie’s coffee. I need a Timmies coffee. Have him go through alien-contact decontamination protocol after giving me the coffee.
  • Replace all the lightbulbs in the family room lights with burnt-out ones. Then sit back and listen to the cursing.
  • Hide the keys. Joe’s always losing them, so this won’t be too entertaining unless… I figure out fun places. Monday, fridge. Tuesday, under the dog bed. Wednesday, in his old man cap. By Thursday, he should be carrying around his keys in his pants at all times. Friday, hide the pants.
  • Reorganize Joe’s library. Right now, there is no organization. He says it’s based on books he likes being at eye level or by colour, sometimes, or whatever. He’s insane. I’ll set it up by type (hardcover), genre, and author (alphabetical) for fiction, Dewey Decimal, for non-fiction. Saturday, I might hide the keys there.
  • Leave empty cans of beer around the house, and since I don’t drink beer, I can tell him he’s been sleep-drinking. It’s likely after losing the keys for a week, this will be an easy sell.

I’m going to have to watch myself. If I don’t blog for 4 days straight, someone, please dig up the backyard and find my body. Apparently, this was page 1 of 3.

Until tomorrow, be safe, be healthy, and respect this new world.

Best meme of the day

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Quarantine Friday April 3rd

Posted on April 3, 2020 by Joe Cummings

At #4

I lost the battle today. Computer failures, the world in general, and a complete lack of creativity led to a black dog day, as Churchill would say.

I should be back tomorrow.

 

Posted in Parenting | 3 Comments