Quarantine Sunday, May 3rd, 2020

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Joe Cummings

Day 52 of our quarantine. 59,474 cases. 3,682 deaths. 24,908 recoveries. 4L of 3% milk costs $5.12. No hamburger could be found in the local Save-On (due to a fear we’ll have a meat shortage).

*****

F-me! What next????

No one thought the Panama Canal could be built. No one thought Harry Potter would sell. And, no one thought The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World would try something with her hair.

In the world, however, they were busy trying their own things. In Sweden, they dumped chicken poop in the parks to deter people from gathering there. A crappy solution, but hey, if it works…

In Canada, murder hornets have arrived, and thank you very much for whoever named them murder hornets. Oh, it’s not like these big bastards are good news, but murder hornets? Really?

In BC, we’re not opening up the economy like other parts of Canada. We’re kind of like that fat kid who waits for everyone else to jump off the cliff into the pool to see if someone dies first.

Check out that latest information on what you can do and where, here.

In our house, The-Youngest cooked supper (chicken strips, peas, and that weird pasta that looks like rice). He even plated it and took pictures. He’s a serious one, he is, even if it’s just serious about mountain biking, rollercoasters, and food.

The-Oldest has interviews set up for musical scholarships next weekend, so he was busy honing his craft today. As expected, he’s excited and terrified at the same time. However, when he took a break, we watched The Invisible Man together. I highly recommend that movie.

The biggest event, though, was The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World deciding it was time to dye her hair. She made her only trip out in 52 days, masked up with her fancy, new purple mask, and made her way into the pharmacy (to also get meds).

Usually, I do the shopping, but let’s face it, when it comes to hair colour, that’s even worse than sending me to get Stayfree Ultra Thin Overnight Pads with Wings, but not the ones in the purple package, no, the ones in the box, but not the big box, the tall one.

So, it made sense she should grab this one. God knows what I would have come back with, but I suspect The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World would have been Marilyn Monroe’d.

To her credit, she really wanted this to go right. She shoed us boys away, prepped her revitalization room, and even read the instructions to make sure she was up on all the latest dying techniques. Then she got down to business.

She came out with her hair all spiked up and purple. I guess that’s part of the process. She told us all to stay away and not touch her hair, so naturally, we wanted to touch her hair and be close.

She used some advanced form of Kung Fu on The-Youngest to keep him away, then sat reading while we looked on from a distance, a little afraid to get too close. About 43 hours later, she disappeared, again, and re-emerged…

Gosh, look at those blue eyes! Hubba-hubba. Oh, and the hair looks great, too.

Well, totally beautiful. Not that she wasn’t beautiful before, but her hair was perfect, a little purplie, but nothing too bright, and she’d managed to blow dry it to make it look like a pro had done it.

I have to say, she did some fine work, and her hair might last another month (it’s been nearly 3 months since she went to her amazing hairdresser.)

However, when I asked her last week what would be the first thing she’d do when the quarantine was lifted, and she said, go to her hairdresser, so until then, at least she can now go out in public with a mask that matches her hair.

So, until tomorrow, be safe, be healthy, and respect the new world.

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Quarantine Friday, May 1, 2020

Posted on May 1, 2020 by Joe Cummings

There are two things The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World hates doing, yet today, she did both (and nothing sexual, you pervs!)

However, it was also May Day and day 50 of our quarantine.

Wow.

Gas was at 76.9 (Costco) Stock  Market closed at 23,723 (Basically where it was at the beginning of 2019). Plus, wearing a face mask is becoming a thing (See the meme to the left for why this all makes sense.)

In the world, China’s threatening Australia for wanting to look into how China handled the outbreak. I have to stand with Australia on this one. First, they have cool accents. Second, they have cool beaches and BBQ parties. Third, I hate bullies, and China is the biggest one out there (worse than the US, and THAT is saying something!) Go Australia!

Yikes, did I get a little too politic-ie there?  Sorry.

In Canada, we have 28,919 active coronavirus cases, 22,751 recovered, and 3,391 deaths. We’re doing pretty damned well, thank you very much. That’s 85 deaths per million. The US has 187. Belgium, weirdly, has 656. Italy, Spain, France and the UK have terrible numbers (here), but it seems like they’re getting past the peak, thank goodness.

In BC, it looks like the emergency has been extended for another 2 weeks, but more importantly, Ryan Reynolds made a video for grads this year. Check it out below.

Here, The-Youngest had an online book-club meeting for school. He got up at 8am, yes, 8am, had breakfast, then cleaned his room. He even made his bed. He didn’t want the world seeing a mess, no siree, no mess here. Then he combed his hair and put on a clean shirt. He may even have brushed his teeth.

I almost didn’t recognize him, but I gotta say, he’s got the hair to pull off a long hair look.

The book-club meeting wasn’t a huge success, though. No one was allowed to see into this room, and the teacher had muted all the students, which kind of makes a lot of sense from a teaching perspective, but I think The-Youngest was really looking forward to sharing his thoughts about the book (his words), and not at all talking to his friends.

Meanwhile, later in the day, The-Oldest tried his hand at cooking (as part of my ‘how can we torture them’ home curriculum.) He made fancy quesadillas, and while he was new to things like a blender, shredding chicken, and reading recipes that were longer than, ‘microwave for 1 min at high,” he made a great supper.

However, the real hero of the day was not me, (perhaps no surprise to anyone), but was The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World. For her boys, she did two things that she absolutely hates.

First was sorting out online courses and The-Oldest’s piano test with the Royal Conservatory of Music. Honestly, it sounds like the RCM had just discovered computers, and they really struggled with a site that was easy to navigate and crashed as quickly as an idea to sell bottled farts.

She must have spent a good 2 hours trying to figure out a way in like some sort of halfling sneaking into Mt Doom, but unlike Frodo and Sam, she failed.

Then, to ensure her day was even tougher, she agreed to go on a bike ride with The-Youngest. His new tire came in the mail, so he fixed up his bike and was all excited to take it out.

No problem, right? A nice bike ride in the sun? Lovely.

Well, he’s a mountain biker, and that ‘nice’ ride turned into a terrifying slalom course of deadly hills and massive jumps. Those are all fair and fine for The-Youngest, but for The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World, they sucked. Plus, she had to push her bike back up the hill.

It was a hardcore workout.

But if you asked her how her day went, she would say it wasn’t so bad. She got to spend time with her boys. Sure two hours were spent swearing like a 4-year-old who just discovered swearing, and she’ll likely be sore for a week from that stupid bike park, but she’d do it all, again, for her boys.

That’s what it’s like to be a mom.

So, until tomorrow, be safe, be healthy, and respect the new world.

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Quarantine April 30, 2020

Posted on April 30, 2020 by Joe Cummings

Day 49.

A quiet day, here.

Around the world, more Guinness World Records are being broken than ever before. More sponges in faces, more throws of a beach ball, the biggest Star Wars collection, it’s all happening. If aliens are watching us, I imagine them seriously face-palming themselves with their tentacles.

In Canada, we may be looking at meat shortages. While this is a major concern, it’s not as bad a liquor shortage – there’d be riots on the streets. Ok, kidding aside, the bigger concern is a break down of supply distribution. Already farmers are having to dump milk, plow under crops, and culling their livestock. Look to Venezuela to see what happens when people start to go hungry.

Here, the Vancouver mayor has threatened cuts to the police and fire departments cuz, I guess in his mind, with a 147% spike in property crimes, you need less police, or when someone is attacked on the Skytrain, the attacker will likely turn himself in – Like all serial rapists, murderers, and drug dealers do.

Here, the weather was lovely, the boys (lacking a band to play in at school) made their own two-man band and played swing music. It was brilliant.

More surprising, though, The-Youngest got up before 2pm. He was out of bed by 10am, made himself breakfast, then played music. I began to wonder if it was really him or if his brother had finally invented the Perfecto-Robo-Brother-2000. Either way, it was nice not having to nag him, then nag him some more, then when he finally gets up, I have to watch him wander like a Gila monster stalking a stone, in slow motion.

For me, I took an inventory of what we had in our cupboards. A friend of mine actually did a meal plan, so she stocked up on stuff her family would eat. Me, I have a ton of chicken soup, about ten cans of kippers for some strange reason (likely I bought them on sale over the past 10 years), a container of tang (do they still make that stuff?), and about 300 teas. Should make for some interesting meals if food suddenly becomes an issue.

I may need to get better organized, food-wise.

We do have some frozen hamburger in our fridge, though, and something in a bag that’s gone all frosty. I think it’s meat, too, but I’ll have to thaw it out. Right now, it could be used as a very lethal stone.

So, food-wise, what would we need? For a month? Hmm. The-Youngest would need 30 bags of lime flavoured nacho chips, jolly ranchers, sour candies, and popcorn. Not just for snacks, either, we’re talking for lunch and supper, too. For lunch, apart from the snacks, some combination of ham and cheese sandwiches and hot dogs. For supper, that’s easy, 30 boxes of pasta and enough parmesan cheese to keep Kraft in business for a thousand years.

Oh, and 90 packets of jello to make 3-tiered jello molds. No fruit or vegetables are necessary (perhaps unsurprisingly). Maybe 30 cases of pop (me, you mean 30 cans? Him: No.) and 30 boxes of frosted flakes, which can also be used for snacks, apparently, so those are like a superfood.

For The-Oldest, he’s the easiest. Cheerios and milk for breakfast. Ham sandwiches, Oreo cookies, mango slices, and either fishie crackers or cheese cracker sandwiches for lunch. For supper, pasta, no sauce needed. For dessert, nothing, because according to him, you don’t need dessert (Sometimes I don’t understand that boy.)

For The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World, breakfast would be fresh fruit, yogurt, bread with seeds and crap in it, or eggs. For lunch, a sandwich. Ham is fine. A salad is fine. Maybe some fruit. For dinner, something healthy that makes Joe wander the aisles with utter anxiety looking for things like Brazillian watercress, carrot chips in a green package, or lime-infused organic coconut milk digested first by Rhodesian goats.

Fresh is harder to stock up on, so she’d be happy with a lot of frozen peas and whatever frozen fruit there is. Oh, and chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate. Maybe more than that.

Apparently, chocolate is a superfood as well.

For me, if I’m honest, donuts and coffee for breakfast, something I can microwave for lunch, and for supper, I’d be ok with pasta, but I’d want some sort of sauce. And wine.

For dessert and snacks, I’m with The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World –  chocolate is a vital food group, but I’d love to have pie. Cherry pie. It is the greatest food ever made. Especially with ice cream.

So, hmmm, yes, stocking up for a month would be a challenge, but if we had to get by on less, we could and would. Pasta and eggs are fantastic. Toast and honey are delicious. Chicken noodle soup and crackers are great. We can drink water instead of milk (or in the case of The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World – instead of tequila). And if necessary, we can rip up the backyard and grow cucumbers or steaks or whatever you grow on a farm.

We may not be as well prepared as my friend, but we’ll survive.

So, until tomorrow, be safe, be healthy, and respect the new world.

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Quarantine Monday, April 27, 2020

Posted on April 27, 2020 by Joe Cummings

We may have ALL lost it!

I always wondered if I was going insane, would I realize it?

I guess the world is wondering the same. In Italy, they’re going to be slowly lifting the quarantine restrictions (May 4th). I still don’t know how they’ll manage all those amazing, small restaurants where you basically sit in someone else’s lap to eat, but I hope they find a way.

In Canada, the RCMP are reminding people to lock their doors in Nova Scotia after a pair broke into a house, and cleaned it. Seems to me they should be telling people to unlock their doors if this is what the thieves do in Nova Scotia.

In BC, gas was 74.9 in Abbotsford. Sadly, they are not yet paying me to take it off their hands, but still, 74.9 cents a litre? Wow. It makes me want to drive somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe waaaay up north so I can see the Northern Lights (though I hear they’re cancelled.)

In our house, we got the boys back and what a difference that makes. They even played their respective instruments together, like jamming together, man, jamming. It was awesome. Both did their homework immediately upon getting it, but I fear The-Youngest isn’t being challenged enough. Not even close.

It was also day 46 of our quarantine. And it may be showing. Vegas, the dog, has a complaint she’d like to put on the record, but that’ll have to be another day.

I do wonder how anyone would know they’re going insane, until they wake up one day, sleeping in a tub of green jello, wearing a tuba on their head, and thinking they’re swimming to mars.

I think there would be signs before this moment, though.

Here are a few. Headbands. Yes, we have them. We wear them. I don’t know why. It’s a sign.

Obsessively cleaning the toilet. I don’t think the coronavirus is spread by bum on bum contact, but that doesn’t stop me from cleaning the damn thing daily.

Discussing the deeper meaning in Tiger King. I mean, really, is there one? Really?

Walking around with one sock. And not realizing it.

Researching the deadliest snakes, the weirdest Norwegian names, or what happened to Jake Lloyd (Anakin from the Phantom Menace). I have a theory on Jake. I think he watched the movie as an adult and was so deeply ashamed that he moved to the secret city in the centre of our earth.

I’m sure there’s more (odds are that The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World has a BIG list), though when I asked her, she said that I was insane to start with, but starting a compost has to be on the watch-list.

Thankfully, even if I don’t notice myself going insane, I think The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World will. She has already begun to dig a hole in the backyard. A Joe-sized hole.

So, until tomorrow, be safe, be healthy, and respect the new world.

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Quarantine Friday, April 24th.

Posted on April 24, 2020 by Joe Cummings

You coughed!

Remember that movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers? That’s what going out seems like these days.

More on that in a bit, but first, the world…

Osaka’s mayor drew criticism for saying the women are slow shoppers. While this may be true for shoes, my personal experience is that I’m slower than a koala swimming in molasses as I wander around the grocery store looking for raisin-flavored anchovies or Extra Large Stayfree Ultra Thin Overnight Pads with Wings in a pink box, not a pink plastic package.

Oh, I try to be faster, but I think The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World now loads up the list with strange items just to see me come home looking like I’d been to war. Without a weapon. Or pants.

In BC, Dr. Bonnie Henry’s Fluevog shoes are sold out. I personally never noticed what shoes she wears, but it’s a thing, apparently. The shoes are, at least, locally produced. What’s Trudeau wearing? Anyone?

Here, after chatting with a few friends, I realized how much society has become like something out of The Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Everyone is shuffling around looking for mitigation violators.

Now, that’s all fair and fine, I mean we should be doing our part, but what about people with allergies? What about people with a persistent, but non-viral cough? What about people who just look funny?

Me? I look funny AND have allergies, so when I go shopping, I go with no small amount of anxiety. Spring’s the worst for me as all sorts of plants spew stuff into the air, but even walking down the cleaning-products aisle of a grocery store, I start to snot-up like I’ve been pepper-sprayed.

Luckily, though, my worst allergy (grass) isn’t really an issue for shopping, but if you ever want to see something funny, walk by while I’m mowing the lawn and looking like I just binge-watched a year of This Is Us episodes.

To combat my genetic failings, before I go shopping, I take a good antihistamine, and make sure to have a sanitary wipe to keep anything I touch clean. Not that I think I’m infected, but I want to be a good citizen.

But being a good citizen these days is harder than ever. I’m not the only one feeling the stress. Our safe places are all gone. I can’t shop and feel safe, or go hiking, or go to the park and play on the slides.

That leaves drinking, watching Ozark on Netflix, and making lists of things I can’t do.

Yes, it is!

However, all this social pressure has produced results. We in BC are far below projected deaths and far below expected cases, but since so few people are actually being tested, that’s not a reliable measure of anything, (it’s like saying there are no aliens because we haven’t found any aliens, yet.)

So, I feel for all of you out there with existing sinus or bronchial conditions, it feels like there is a mob of people waiting to screech at you. I mean, more than usual.

Until tomorrow, be safe, be healthy, and respect the new world.

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Quarantine Wednesday, April 22, 2020

Posted on April 22, 2020 by Joe Cummings

How does she do that?

Based on yesterday’s cosmic alignments, I was expecting a good day full of rainbows, free gas, and rivers of chocolate flowing from the mountains. It didn’t quite go as I’d hoped.

In the US, an autopsy found that the first US COVID-19 death may have occurred in California on 6 February — more than three weeks before the first reported death occurred in Washington state. This is sort of a good news, bad news thing, like it’s the end of the world, but there’s free ice cream. Lots of implications with this though, so stay tuned.

In Germany, they canceled Oktoberfest. That’s like us canceling Christmas, Superbowl Sunday, and weddings with open bars. To morn the loss, I may drink a stein of Schneider Weisse Aventinus Eisbock (oh, those Germans can never say anything with one word).

In BC, Telus is donating 10,000 phones to the hospitalized, and from my own experience, they are donating a tablet to my Baba so she can talk to us face to face. However, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World had to remind her, “Remember to put on clothes, Baba.”

But thanks, Telus! You da best!

Here, I had to deal with the bank.

With those of us suddenly finding ourselves a little short on money, the last thing I need is a letter from the bank saying we missed a mortgage payment and all hell was about to break loose.

Worse, when I tried to call to correct this error, there was no one there, something I found out after a long, long wait on hold.

By the time I finally fought my way through the system, (like a mouse on meth trying to find a way through the maze), I wasn’t my best self, I’ll admit it, and blasted them for the notice.

I’ve never received one of these in my life. Lots of threatening things on it, like some sort of letter from Voldemort involving extra penalties and fees, all typed out in an ominous thick, black font.

Like I said, it did get sorted out, but it seems the moon and Mercury haven’t got their sh*t together yet, so they’ll need to do better tomorrow.

As will I. I can’t let things like that get to me or else this whole adventure is going to be more like The Boy in the Striped Pajamas than me spinning around and singing ‘the hills are alive, with the sound of mooooosic.”

So, until tomorrow, be safe, be healthy, and respect this new world.

 

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Quarantine Tuesday April 21st

Posted on April 21, 2020 by Joe Cummings

Today I learned how to be a criminal.

In the universe, (cuz we don’t always talk about the universe), the energy of the moon and Mercury will shift and bring goodness and light to everyone.

I sure as hell hope so, and I want those planets and celestial bodies who f’d up the world to be ashamed of themselves.

In the US, Gene Simmons of Kiss is charging $50 to smell his fingers. I kid you not. So, is Gwyneth Paltrow now going to charge for someone to smell a ‘part’ of her?

In Indonesia, they are locking up quarantine breakers in haunted houses. Now, this may be the best idea yet, but here in Canada, we don’t lock up criminals a lot these days for real crimes, so I don’t see the haunted house thing coming to a local town soon.

But that leads me to being a criminal. I didn’t plan on learning to be one today, but the world we live in made me.

See, we had run out of wine, which would not normally be a big deal, but with all that’s going on, yeah, it’s a BIG deal. So, I ordered some white wine from Everything Wine. The store is shuttered, but they still do pick-ups.

But getting the wine was like doing a drug deal. We met across a table that had been placed outside.

I had to leave the money in a bag to be inspected, then they’d leave the booze after taking the money. We all stood about 10 feet apart, and if this was the States, I’m pretty sure we would have been armed. With machine guns.

Being Canadians, though, we were only armed with our quick wits, which I, fortunately, didn’t have to use. I got my wine, we both backed up, me to my car, them back into the store, then I drove off.

I’m pretty sure I could do a proper drug deal now.

Then I had to get some personal items for my Great Baba (age 96). However, she lives in a residential retirement home, which a few months ago was a pretty nice place to visit.

Now, however, it’s like a prison.

When I arrived, the gate was closed. I guess that makes sense since there are some pretty shady people wandering around, so I pulled up to the speaker and pressed the button. “My name is Joe, and I’m here to see (Baba).”

The speaker crackled back: “Sheee meee baaaboo bee?”

“Wait, I can’t understand you. I. Am. Here. To. See. Baba.”

“Errrr ack unnershann greee noooom.”

I could see this would get me nowhere. So, I phoned.

They picked up after an overly lengthy message about all they were doing for the coronavirus, minus the part about the mysterious language they used over the speaker. It didn’t take long for them to understand that I had to drop something off.

The gate opened.

Now, usually, the parking lot is filled with cars, and the tables and benches in the courtyard are occupied by the elderly getting some sun or watching birds or planning who to cut out of their will. Today, nothing. Not even tumbleweeds.

Getting my sanitary wipes, I made my way to the door with my pre-disinfected package. There I was met by a massive guy with a full-on face visor thingee and an N95 mask. “My name is Joe, and I’m here to see (Baba),” I said.

“Sheee meee baaaboo bee?”

Hmmm. Suddenly the encounter at the gate made sense. “Ok, I can’t understand you. I. Am. Here. To. See. Baba.”

“Caaan meb you im bub I’ll tape dahdis toop papa.”

Fine. He wouldn’t let me in but would take the package to baba.

It really was a prison.

I couldn’t really argue, so I gave the guy the package and left. I hadn’t sewn a file into the package or a secret cell phone or anything, so I was pretty sure the hulking guy would get it to her.

As I drove towards the gate, I hit the sensor, and it slowly began to open. Then, seemingly out of the bushes, an old lady not much larger than our Goldendoodle raced towards the open gate.

Ok, ‘raced’ isn’t exactly the right term, but she was working that walker like a jackhammer and charging forward like she was late for bingo. And she was heading right for the open gate.

She was making a break for it.

Jeez!

I didn’t know what to do, so I drove through as fast as I could, and the gate close behind me before the little old lady could make it through. I didn’t look back for fear she would give me the grandmother-guilt look, and I’d feel super bad about not letting her escape.

When I got home, I told The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World about it, and she said, yeah, they make breaks all the time. Even before the whole shut down thing. The only difference is now they get 14 days in their room.

Apparently, one got out and was found at her favourite restaurant, while another, they say, just a rumor mind you, but they say she went to find out if the Pacific was a blue as in her dreams.

I think when I get that old, I’ll be one of those folks making a break for it. Unless there’s pudding, then I’m staying for the pudding.

So, until tomorrow, be safe, be healthy, and respect the new world.

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Quarantine Monday April 20th 2020

Posted on April 21, 2020 by Joe Cummings

Something more to worry about.

I’m late on this one but need to update everyone on the world – and share my biggest failure to date.

In the outside world, oil hit -$37.63 a barrel. That’s insane. Utterly insane. It means you want a barrel of oil, someone needs to pay for you to take it!!!

Now, at first, I thought, great, free gas, but sadly, the price needs to rebound, or entire sectors of the economy will go bust, and that will be very, very bad indeed.

In Canada, a gunman killed 19 people (maybe more) yesterday. I mean, FFS, if we’re not dealing with enough crap.

In BC, the Celebration of Lights (fireworks), and Canada Day celebrations at Canada Place have both been canceled. *sigh* I’m thinking pretty much everything will be canceled, even breathing at some point.

Here, I had a brilliant idea, and like most brilliant ideas, it failed.

I thought, hey boys, let’s do up a time capsule. The first response was, “Isn’t that what you’re doing with the blog?” To which I responded, “Well, yes, but only for me. This will be for you guys so that when you’re 55, and your robotic implant is malfunctioning, you can go back and read what it was like for you.”

Neither boy seemed impressed with my logic. And I get that. At their age, I should have been writing a diary or making time capsules because now I have such a hard time remembering what it was like back in the day – like what it was ‘really like,’ not my reimagined version where I was a high school superstar and yet had to walk 20 miles to school knee-deep in cherry blossom petals.

But maybe if my parents had forced me….

So I downloaded a neat time capsule (here for adults) or (here for kids), printed it out, and got both boys to sit down with pens in their hands. My first mistake became immediately apparent. I’d read through the printout, and the questions were pretty good, but I never thought that the number of pages would matter.

Well, they did, because suddenly this seemed like homework, and not the fun kind like playing the drums for an hour until my ears throb in pain.

But after some grumbling, they began. And then, I realized my second mistake. Teenagers, at least ours, seem oblivious to the world around them. One had no idea how much milk cost, the other only wrote ‘no school’ for every question, including ‘what’s your name?”

Being me, and needing a history to be created (since we’re in a historic time!), I sat with them and went through the questions, suggesting possible avenues of thought.

Question: What’s your favorite song?

Answer: Favourite song??? (yes, with 3 outraged question marks.) How am I supposed to choose a favourite? That’s impossible! Who has a FAVOURITE song? Who?”

My Suggestion: What about a song you like right now. Doesn’t have to be a favourite, just include one that’s in your life right now.”

Answer: Can I put down 10 songs?

My Suggestion: Hell to the yes.

Now considering there were, like 1000 questions. I needed to push them a little with all of them, especially ones like ‘how are you feeling?’ because teenage boys don’t have feelings they can express in words (oh, they can express them with gloomy looks, loud music, sleeping 23 of 24 hours a day or ‘forgetting’ to do chores.)

However, after about 10 hours, we finished the sheets. Ok, maybe not 10 hours, but I think it felt like that for all 3 of us. In actual fact, it took about 40 min. Still too long, IMHO, and the answers were sometimes kinda vague despite my prompting (write a letter to your future self – ok, dear self, don’t do stuff like this), but we got it done.

Now, 40 years from now, they will have a small history of themselves and will likely look at what they wrote and think, damn, why didn’t I do more?

Which is why I’m writing this blog. This is our history, right now, a time we will remember for our entire lives, so I’ll continue to write about what’s going on, hopefully, find something funny to report, and connect with people who are going through similar experiences.

In the meantime, be safe, be healthy, and respect this new world.

(time capsule from Long Creations!)

A Canadian made one for adults and kids.

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Quarantine Sunday, April 19, 2020

Posted on April 19, 2020 by Joe Cummings

Near the highway, the peaceful highway, The lion sleeps tonight Near the roadside, the quiet roadside, The lion sleeps tonight.  A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh.

Happy Ukrainian Easter, everyone! “Khrystos Voskres!” “Voistynu Voskres”

******

I had a horrible realization yesterday, but it wasn’t about the world, it was about me.

However, in the world, Canada and the US extended their border restrictions for 30 more days. It’s not a big deal for us since we don’t do cross border shopping, but it’s definitely a kick-in-the-pants to any cool birthday trips for The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World.

In South Africa, Lions took over the road amid a tourist ban in Krugar Park. Being cats, though, they seem to have just taken over the road to sleep in the sun. If there was a cardboard box there, I’m sure they’d be inside it instead.

In BC, ICBC is waiving cancellation and re-plating fees for drivers. I had no idea there was a re-plating fee, but that’s cool. Sadly my mustang is in quarantine as well. I think I can hear it weeping at night.

More locally, we didn’t get to have the epic Easter Feast with our legendary Baba. She’s doing ok, but social distancing means we can’t even go to her retirement residence. We’re all a little sad.

For me, though, the big realization was that if this was an apocalypse (and it isn’t, but IF), then I have no useful skills. I don’t hunt and hate the thought of actually butchering an animal. I’m not a good gardener (and therefore not good at being a farmer). I can shoot, but don’t have a gun, so that’s like saying I can breathe but only when I have air.

As I went down the list of great survival skills (HERE) like making a homemade compass or being able to drink my own urine, I realized that I would likely have only one use. “Ok, Joe, see that bear over there? Walk up to it, wave your arms, and while it’s savaging you, I’ll shoot it with the crossbow I made from MacDonald’s straws.”

So, what skills do I have? I could write about everyone doing amazing things like making snares, tying knots, or building a house from leftover cans of baked beans. I can order from Pizza Hut, which is nowhere near as easy as it should be. I could watch people doing stuff and be overly critical of their technique (that’s always a crowd-pleaser.)

Hmmm. Not a lot of useful skills there.

Seems I am a product of the 21st century. I’m decent at a lot of useless things like trivial pursuit, computers, writing, losing tools, organizing supplies, managing retail operations, cooking something from packages, buying stuff online, and being a good dungeon master (Oh, if only we were facing the Dark Lord, then I would have some skills, let me tell you.)

But lacking a Mt. Doom to throw a ring into, any scouting badges, or even the patience to be a good fisherman, I am just lucky this is not the apocalypse, but just a really difficult time.

However, if things do get a lot worse, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World made a list of 5 people we want in our survival camp.

  1. The Rock, cuz, you know, he’s nice to look at and can probably lift things.
  2. Bill Nye, the Science Guy cuz he would totally be the professor from Gilligan’s island and make a nuclear reactor from fish sperm.
  3. Bear Grylls, cuz he’s is a British former SAS serviceman and knows a thing or two about bears.
  4. Ryan Renolds cuz he’s funny, Canadian, and we may need to laugh.
  5. And Dr. McDreamy if he was a real doctor, or, really, if he’s not, too.

I note that I am not on the list, nor are any other women.

Interesting.

Anyway, time to go read up on how to train your dog to kill. “Here, Vegas!”

Until tomorrow, be safe, be healthy, and respect this new world.

(note, in his day, Kevin Bacon might have made The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World’s list, but below is still a cool video about 6 degrees of separation.)

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Quarantine Friday April 17th 2020

Posted on April 17, 2020 by Joe Cummings

A new trend?

Day 36 of the quarantine and day 2 of my pepper plant experiment – and it’s still alive! (as are we.)

Also, we tried something that could have ended in horrible death or mutilation.

In the outside world, there were NO deaths today in BC. That doesn’t mean we are out of the viral woods yet, but ‘yeah us!’ The social distancing by the vast majority of the population is showing good results, though I do fear it’s taking it’s toll on us mentally.

In India, one policeman has resorted to wearing a coronavirus helmet. I think we all need to get one of those. In fact, why aren’t we wearing helmets? Or snorkels?

Here, this week, the boys had to make supper for one night. The-Youngest made pasta and meatballs on Tuesday. Nothing fancy, frozen store-bought meatballs, canned sauce, and packaged pasta, but it was all very delicious.

And let’s face it, I wouldn’t have made meatballs (since I hate the feel of eggs and meat together), sauce, (since it’s, like, a lot of work),  or pasta from scratch, (cuz I personally believe that’s impossible to do without it turning into a leather-like wad of icky goo.)

However, The-Youngest is pretty confident in the kitchen, and we can basically leave him alone, but The-Oldest? Well, like it’s best not to leave me alone in a chocolate store, he does need a bit of supervision.

See, in our family, like good superheroes, all have extraordinary abilities. The-Oldest, he is a piano master (maybe even a genius). The-Youngest can walk away from a 19-2 hockey game loss (where he was the goalie), and still be excited about the save he made with his face. The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World can maintain her sense of humor and kindness no matter what jackass she has to deal with at work (or at home).

And me, I can work dungeons and dragons into any conversation (though, I have found that doing such a thing at a party tends to leave me alone in the corner talking to the cat.)

However, we also have kryptonite weaknesses. The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World must avoid red wine or risk a massive headache. The-Youngest must touch everything in a store, which is all fair and fine if he’s in a clothing store, but if he’s in a cactus store (or an Irish crystal store), not so much. Me, I must avoid drinking drinks that don’t taste like drinks, or I end up dancing on tables with my shirt wrapped around my head and my pants gone who-the-hell knows where.

But for The-Oldest, his Mt. Doom is the kitchen. At some point, I wonder if he’s teenagering us, you know, doing silly stuff just to bug his parents, but I fear not.

Boil water? Microwave? These are simple things, but to a musician who lives inside his head where there’s a magnificent orchestra playing his amazing creations, it’s hard for him to remember what to do.

So, like I do many times, I set the goals low. Don’t set anything on fire. Don’t cut off a finger, a hand, or your penis.

And in that, we succeeded. But there was a lot of ‘you can’t put metal in the microwave” or “you cook the pasta however long it says to cook it on the box,”  or “don’t throw the boiling water at your brother even if he’s bugging you.”

To his credit, he didn’t complain about this task, not once. He had to make supper for everyone from leftovers, so he went around asking if they wanted the meatballs from the other night, the last of the hot dogs, “something that looks like Vegas threw up” (it was my shepard’s pie!) or the last hamburger or the chicken with some sort of little hairs all over it (“Crap, throw that out immediately, where the hell did you find it?”

Then he cooked more pasta to go with the meatballs, learned the difference between microwaving something for 30 seconds vs. 30 min, and found out that water boils a lot slower when you look at it.

Supper was fine, though. We told stories about our days even though we’d been in the same house the whole time, I loved my shepard’s pie the 2nd time around, and The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World seemed to have developed a twitch in her eye from overseeing the kitchen nightmare.

When it came time to make noise in support of the healthcare workers, I banged a pot, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World rang the cowbell, The-Oldest played the guitar, and The Youngest played his baritone saxophone.

I hate what has happened to the world in such a short time, but I will cherish these memories forever.

Until tomorrow, be safe, be healthy, and respect the new world.

 

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