About A Stepdad

I was fortunate to attend an advance screening of the movie Battleship. Oh sure, it took me a week to write about it but, hey, it was a tough week.  However, I know everyone is waiting so here it is.

Like I said in a previous blog, this type of movie should be my type of movie.  It’s not something that will make me a better person or make me think deep thoughts or make me marvel at the acting.  As far as I could tell going in, this movie has aliens and at least one battleship.  Good enough for me.  If they had a topless dancer leaping out of a cake, it could be the greatest movie ever.

Boy was I wrong.

Oh, there are things to like.  The graphics are amazing and everything is so flawlessly DGI’d that I’m not entirely convinced they didn’t CGI the actors as well.

So here’s the plot.  Aliens land on earth and it’s up to the navy to stop them.

But wait, stop them from doing what?

What, exactly?

Can someone tell me?

Ok, so here’s how it all starts… mankind, being mankind, sends out a single to a newly discovered planet that looks a lot like ours.  A goldlocks planet, they call it, not too hot, not too cold.  I’m not sure if the message read, ‘dudes, stay the f*%@! Away from this f*%@ place,” but that would seem appropriate, in my opinion.  Maybe they sent pictures of the holocaust or a sound track from Paulie Shore’s stand-up but something like that I’m sure.

Either way, the aliens get the message and think, hey, let’s go visit earth.  So they send off uber high tech ships which travel a gazillion miles and somehow manage to hit a satellite in space.   Seems they didn’t have their headlights on or something.

But understand, this had to happen.  The plot depends on it.   Oh sure, it stretches the realm of truth but hey, they’re aliens, they do stuff like that all the time.

Anyway, one part of the ship crashes to earth and wipes out a chuck of Hong Kong.  Seems that part of the ship was the only part with communication gear.

The rest of the Alien ship lands near Hawaii at the exact moment the US and a bunch of allies are having wargames.  How convenient.  The alien ships pop a force screen around their ships but, wait, (how convenient) they trap our heroes inside.

Now,  ok, so it’s not unusual for a WHOLE bunch of coincidences to stack up so that a story can work.   It’s the result of too much cocaine being snorted by the writers.  Happens to all of us at some point (the coincidences,  not the cocaine.)

So what do our heroes do?   They charge off to see what’s what with the new arrivals.   I’d do the same.   It’s the human thing to do.  They poke the aliens and prod the aliens and lo and beyond, the aliens get pissed.

Now comes the cool part.  The Aliens only destroy the ships that attacked them with some sort of spit-ball missile thing that makes a big boom.   How cool is that, thought I sitting there with a giant buttery popcorn and an icy coke sweating through the cardboard cup.  We’re the assholes.   They are just destroying our ability to kill things.

This I like.  The Aliens assume a defensive posture.   They are porcupining (if I can invent a word.)

Then the Aliens send out some spinning balls of doom that proceed to wipe out the entire airforce and military infrastructure of Hawaii.  Again, not going after civilian targets or even Pauli Shore.

So basicailly, if we don’t shoot missiles at them, they’ll just hang around like surfers looking for a wave.

But hold on.

Hold on.

Where ‘s the danger?

With one stroke of the plot-pen, we have removed all threat and conflict from this movie.  Let the dudes hang out in the water.  Let them build their little satellite relay back on Hawaii.  Live and let live.

But who wants to see that movie?

They must have realized that because suddenly the heroes have managed to capture one of the Aliens and one of them reaches out and Vulcan-mind-melds with that guy from John Carter (the poor bastard who needs a better agent) and, wait, no they aren’t peaceful at all but have flash-flash plans to conquer our world.

Really?  Do the Alien ships attack the last destroyer left, the ones with our heroes on it?  Why  no, no they don’t.  Do they kill everyone onboard when they come to rescue their captured friend?  Why no,no they don’t.  Do they (somewhat later) kill the geeky scientist who tries to steal back some sort of gadget?  Why no, no they don’t.

Seriously?  I tell you, these guys have to read Conquering Planets For Dummies.  You wouldn’t get anywhere leaving everyone alive and able to shoot missiles at you.

So then we have a confusing night fight where somehow the super-uber-techo Aliens can not see a huge freaking destroyer at night, (AT NIGHT?) so instead of turning on some lights (which would have also saved them from rear-ending that satellite earlier on,)  they play hide and seek and our heroes win by using, oh God, by using some variation on the battleship GAME.  E-4.  You sunk my Alien!

Now I could go on and on about how those funny spinning balls of doom are forgotten when the Aliens are trying to kill our heroes in their little destroyer, or how some vet on metal legs can fight with an Alien who has been shown to have the strength to toss people around like I throw a ball for the dogs, or how a mothballed battleship had LIVE ammo and could be started faster than my Honda in winter… but let’s focus.  Let us ask someone else.

Hannibal Lector, anything to say?

Hannibal Lecter: “First principles, Clarice. Simplicity. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does he do, this Alien you are watching?
Clarice Starling: It blows up things….
Hannibal Lecter: No. That is incidental. What is the first and principal thing he does? What needs does he serve by blowing up things?

Clarice Starling: Errr… They hate us, want to destroy us.

Hannibal Lecter: No, Clarice.  If they hated us, wouldn’t they have blown all the destroyers and our heroes out of the water right at the start?  And wouldn’t they use those spinning balls of doom to wrech every city on the planet?

Hannibal has a point.

What did the Aliens want?  To phone freaking home?  To what end?  Couldn’t they fly back?  Did they want to kill us?  Clearly, clearly not, except when we poked them with a cruise missile or tried to ram them with a battleship.  So why did they come?  To say hi?  They never tried to say hi, didn’t send flowers, didn’t even try to anally probe anyone.   Did they want our women?  Nope.  Our scientists?  Nope, again.  Hawaiian Pineapples?   Nope.

So.  What.  Did.  They.  Want?

And that is the flaw of the movie.  Forget the disastrous insertion of some sort of love story (that’s just giving John Carter some personal stakes).  Forget that every scene in there (with the exception of the exploding destroyer which was just plain cool) has been seen a hundred times before (and done better!)  Forget the horrible dialogue and painful attempts at character development, this movie fails because we have met the enemy and he is us.

Save your money.  Buy the game. 

Is it possible to like a movie based only on the actors?

The answer, at least for me, is yes.  That movie is The Exotic Marigold Hotel.

I went to see it on a cheap Tuesday.   The 7pm show.  Much to my surprise, the theater was nearly as full as Avengers on opening night.   However, I doubt a lot of people who saw The Avengers were there.  The crowd was, well, shall we say, older.

The plot is simple.  Pensioners decide to retire in an opulent hotel in India, the only problem, it’s not really that opulent.  But, as the young owner says, “Everything will be alright in the end, and if it is not alright, it is not the end.”  An apt quote for the entire movie.

Some adapt, some don’t.  Pretty simple.  Add lots of lovely shots of India., lots of local color, a mother that wants to close the hotel and you have it in a nutshell.

But where the movie really shines is when it focuses on the actors.   Judi Dench is fantastic as a women in search of a purpose after her husband dies.  Bill Nighy is utterly charming as a man who is out of his element but who seems to embrace it.   Tom Wilkinson is heartbreaking as an aging, gay man in search of his first love.  Add Maggie Smith who seems to hate anyone who is not, in her words, english, and you have the makings of some delightful on-screen characters.

And let’s not forget Dev Patel.   The Slum Dog Millionaire.   He holds his own,( in a goofy sort of way), with the best of them.  He exudes energy and enthusiasm and a kind of dreamy optimism that is captivating.  Without him, we cannot care about a broken down hotel.  But to him, it’s more than that, it’s a chance for him to succeed, to prove himself to his successful family.

It’s charming.  It’s funny.  It’s brilliantly acted.

Sure, it’s not the greatest movie ever made but it’s worth checking out if you still remember when we had to look up information in an encyclopedia.

I had to kill someone today.

No, not that one driver who drove in the multi-occupancy lane when he was the only one in the car.  Not the jackass at Revenue Canada who decided I owed more tax.  Not even the guy who made the movie Battleship.

Oh, their time will come. I have a list.

But no, the person I had to kill today was a friend.  I’d known him for a good year or so.  His name was Jackson Pollock Henderson.  Aka “two-shot”.   He was one of the characters I created in my latest novel.

I was there when he was born and when he died.   I had a hand in both.  I was there for his pain and his happiness.  I knew what he liked, I knew what he hated, I knew what he ate and what he was allergic to.  I knew how he had gotten into a wheelchair.   I knew what he feared most.   I knew the future that he hoped for.

He made me laugh.  He made me cry.  I loved spending time with him.

But such is the nature of writing that I could not save him.  I tried killing off another character, one I didn’t love so much.  I tried inventing a character and inserting him into the story so I could save “Two-shot.”  But, in the end, poor Two had to die and die badly.

Sadly, the story is better for his departure.

RIP buddy.

You died for a good cause.

Vegas would like to report a crime.

Someone has stolen her hair.   It was last seen just before she went into the groomer.

She misses her hair a lot.  It kept her warm.

If you happen to see it, please contact her at spazadoodle@shaw.ca

This is what it looked like.

Ok, I’m not one to post movies or commercials or such silly things but today I’m gonna.  So there.  pffffft.

I guess it was just that kind of day.  Everyone needs a hug.

Where would a great story be without great villains?  Heath Ledger’s Joker.  Nurse Ratched.  Hannibal Lector.  Voldemort.

But Game of Thrones may have outdone all those other shows.  By quality of the villain.  By quantity.  And by complexity.

First, let’s look at the truly villainous.  Those of such great evil that they have, at least at present, no redeeming features.

King Joffrey.  What a horrible, horrible little troll.  Who amongst us did not want to punch him in the face as he had poor Sansa stripped in front of the entire court and beaten by a so-called knight?   Everything from his smug expression to his delight in causing others pain to his cowardice when confronted by someone he can’t bully, he is the embodiment of a villain that we want to see hung upside down and gutted.  Pure evil, sure, but pure genius on behalf of the writers as well.

The Mountain.  What a horrible, horrible, big troll.  Joffrey with size.  He hacked a horse’s head off for failing him.  He’s tortured captures for fun and a bit of loot.   He towers over mortal men like, well, like a mountain.  Pure, uncomplicated evil.

But those two are needed because so many of the other villains are not so easily defined.  Look at Jaime Lannister, the brother of Cersei who began the series by having sex with his sister and then tossing little Bran out the window.  Called Kingslayer, could there be a more villainous villain?  Well, look closer.  When faced with death, he meets it with humor and disdain.  Is he a coward?  Hardly.  His love, his only true love, as twisted as it may be, is for his sister, for whom he will do anything.  Is love a villain’s motive?  Hardly.   When he butchers Ned Stark’s men, is it out of fun, out of some love of slaughter?  Hardly, his brother, Tyrion, whom he also loves, has been taken prisoner and falsely accused of trying to murder little Bran by Ned Stark’s wife.  He’s just sending a message albeit a brutal one.

This is a far more complex villain.

Look at the Hound.  Not as huge as his brother, the Mountain, he cuts down the poor butcher’s boy who dares to play with Sansa.  With his half-burned face, he stands with the king, as loyal as a dog, as dangerous and violent as any man alive.  Yet, when Sansa is being beaten by the king’s knight, he looks on with concern, not joy.  When his brother marches off to slaughter the wounded and helpless Knight of Flowers, the Hound steps in the way to stop him.  A twisted, dark character?  You bet.  But a complex villain, as much a result of his brutal upbringing as any flaw in his character.

Look at Petyr, a backstabbing whoremonger who betrayed Ned Stark.  But did he not give Ned a chance to live, did he not warn him?  Does he not have his own type of honor, however self serving it may be?

Look at that weasel Theron Greyjoy.  He porks all manner of lovely girls and sneers the whole time (even fingering his own sister!)  Weak and cowardly and a total perv, sure.  But look at his dad.  When Theon comes home, no one is waiting for him.  When his father greets him, it’s not ‘hey, son, how the hell are ya?’ it’s ‘did you pay the ‘iron price’ for that necklace?’  (Meaning did you take it from someone you killed.)  Man, that’s harsh.  And all Theron wants, all that most young men want, is his daddy’s approval.  Is that a villainous desire?

I could go on and on and on as there are so many heroes and so many villains in this story, often being the in the eye of the beholder but that’s what makes this series so brilliant.

If you haven’t seen it, start with episode 1, year 1.  Start at the beginning and prepare for something T often does not do well, some great villains.

Looking at the glass half full, I have come up with 5 reasons that this is a good thing.

1) I won’t be uber-angry at ref calls anymore.  This is a good thing for the doggies who worry they did something wrong.

2) PVRing will be a lot easier now.  I won’t have to set aside 3 hours.

3) I won’t have to hear the new hockey night in canada theme song. It sucks.

4) Kessler won’t have to worry about not scoring for 17+ games anymore.

5) Luongo can say, hey, see, it wasn’t me.

Sad to see them lose.  Say what you want about Quick being a hot goal tender, or Daniel not playing for the first games or whatever, it honesty seemed like the Cancuks weren’t hungry enough.  Well, they’ll have plenty of time to think about it. 

Now can get back to a regular life.

No, nothing Sci-Fi but that would be a cool thing to write about one time.  This is a mini-bucket list.  A 5 year plan.

1) Mardi Gras in Rio

2) Northern Lights in Alaska

3) The Great Wall of China

4) Great pyramids of Egypt

5) Balloon over the Loire in France

Now all I need is someone to go with me.

It was one of those days….

1) Apparently air is no longer free.  It costs 50cents to fill up my tires now.  When did this happen?

2) NBC will be airing a Hannibal Lector TV series.  I kid you not.  I can’t make this sh*t up.

3) Prime Suspect was cancelled.  It was one of the best cop dramas on TV

4) Why would someone wear a toque on such a warm day?  Not an older person either, some young hipster with a wispy beard and a too-thin girlfriend. 

5) Streaming TV with ads that I cannot fast-forward through.  Very sneak, Shaw, very sneaky but I’m not happy.

Let’s hope tomorrow is a bit more of a glass half full day.

Cabin in the Woods.

Ok, you’ve seen this a thousand times.  A group of acne-free teenagers go to an isolated cabin in the woods for fun/drinking/sex only to be attacked/stalked/brutalized by some knife/ax/chainsaw weilding madman/clown/werevampire.   One by one they all die until there is only the virgin left and she somehow kicks ass.

This is not that movie.  Despite the title.

Well, ok, it is that movie but it’s done by Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly fame (and soon to be ‘of the Avengers’ fame).   In the first episode of Buffy, we had a leather jacketed bad boy and a cheerleader-beautiful young girl breaking in to a school where we just know that the bad boy has more on his mind than just sneaking around, possibly some vampire neck-biting goodness.  Joss patiently builds the tension as the bad boy stares at the girl’s neck, as he leads her deeper and deeper into the school.  And then!!!!   The cheerleader turns around, shows her vampire fangs and chomps down on the bad boy.

That’s this movie in a nutshell.  Oh sure there’s lots of hacky and slashy, lots of blood, lots and lots of gore but it’s also one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in ages.  You watch and think, oh, I know what’s going on but, unless you’ve read the spoilers, you have no clue.  This is a movie done by a master of the genre.   He knows what works and what doesn’t, what’s scary and what’s hilarious, he knows what we expect and turns that on its head.

There may be better movies this year, there may be more violent ones or funnier ones or ones that suprise me with nifty plotty twists but I doubt there will be one that combines all three so successfully.  The characters are fantastic, the setting compelling and the action, edge-of-the-seat tense.

To put it another way, this is perhaps the best slasher movie of all time.

All hail Joss.

I mean look at the size of that forehead, the guy HAS to be brilliant!