Canadians in Vegas

Posted on September 5, 2016 by Joe Cummings
Thor's outfit. Or what The-Youngest wants to wear to school to smite his enemies

Thor’s outfit. Or what The-Youngest wants to wear to school to smite his enemies

After ‘The Avenger Experience’ was all over, we met up with the shopping queen at the hotel’s hot dog restaurant where The-Youngest ate 2” of a foot-long hot dog and one fry of his gigantic plate of fries. I ate the rest.

It’s become my worst eating nightmare. I hate paying $12 for a hot dog, but I hate leaving 90% of it behind, so I scarfed it down.

Sure it’s yummy, but it’s also bad news for weight loss. Bad, bad news.

However, the boyz were super excited to tell The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World all about their adventures. They love doing stuff with her, and since she wasn’t there, they needed to tell her everything that they did. And why. With pictures. And sounds. And waving arms or stomping feet (like when they stomped imaginary ants on the floor.)

Like me, it’s only really an adventure if you can share it.

Judging from the look on her face, I think she was glad she didn’t come. I mean, 90 minutes of reading about comic book stuff and looking at Avenger displays, yuck.

Food, glorious food. But a foot-ling hot dog proved too much for one bo

Food, glorious food. But a foot-long hot dog proved too much for one boy

When it came her time to tell what The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World did, she was more excited about the clothes she found for the boyz than for herself. Now The-Youngest will look incredibly handsome when he goes to see the Beatles, Love.

Despite us just having lunch, though, it was actually 4pm. Time is different in Vegas. It’s a little odd.

But we were all feeling a little tired, a little footsore and so we retired to our room. I phoned to figure out how to get our tickets, The-Youngest watched Teen Titans on the cartoon network, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World ironed everything in sight and The-Oldest discovered that he forgot to bring pants.

Pants!

Who forgets pants?

Oh, he had sports shorts, (you know, those mesh-fiber things people normally go to the gym in), but nothing fancy, nothing that was really appropriate for an evening out. He tore apart his suitcase and even looked in the laundry bag in case he actually wore some and, ah, forgot about it.

No matter. It was Vegas. The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World looked amazing and so very beautiful by the time she was ready to go. With his new clothes, The-Youngest looked like he ruled the world.

Cirque du soleil Beatles - Love at the Mirage. All you need is love, love, love.

Cirque du soleil Beatles – Love at the Mirage.
All you need is love, love, love.

We were officially set for the Cirque du Soleil Beatles – Love.

We took the tram there, collected our tickets and stood in front of the Beatles sign for a picture. Looking awkward and confused when we tried to take selfies, someone came up to us and offered to take our picture. Older fellow. Like older than me, which is old indeed. Dressed in shorts.

He asked where we were from. “Vancouver,” we said. “Canada.”

I’m never quite sure what to tell Americans. There’s a good chance they may not have heard of Vancouver. Or Canada. Or what the capital of their country is. But the older fellow said, “Ah, yes, Canada. You have igloos up there, don’t you? It’s very cold, isn’t it?

“Well, not exactly where we live,” I said. “We’ve got a lot of rain and TV shows.”

“Oh?”

“And where are you from?” I asked. Maybe Kansas or something?

“Cloverdale,” he said with a great big smile. About 10 miles from where we live.

The bugger.

We ended up having the best conversation with him, then parted ways. Funny how we met only one person in all of Vegas and he was from Greater Vancouver!

But now was Beatles Time. The-Oldest couldn’t be still. He was so excited.

Would it live up to the hype?

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The Day We Became Avengers – Vegas

Posted on September 4, 2016 by Joe Cummings
The Avengers Tour at Treasure Island.

The Avengers Tour at Treasure Island.

Ok, so here’s the set-up for the Avenger’s Tour at Treasure Island…

The world has been attacked by robots, Loki’s goblins, creatures from another dimension, the Red Skull’s super soldiers and James Spader.

Seems the Avengers need help. Seems we are recruited into S.T.A.T.I.O.N. (Scientific Training and Tactical Intelligence Operative Network) to assist them.

How cool is that?

So, we entered the super secret recruiting center. We were given portable devices (or in my case, I download an app to my phone) and these devices gave us all the necessary information about the Avengers to prepare us for… the final battle.

What does that mean? Well, first we were scanned to make sure none of us were Hydra. I personally suspected The-Youngest to be either a Hydra spy or the spawn of the devil, but he passed and we were allowed inside.

What we had to do was listen to the audio histories or facts about all the Avengers, take a test, play with everything in an Avengers room, then move on to the next one. The-Youngest was appalled that we would take a tour where there was a TEST, but I dragged him along anyway.

Captain America's shield. Made from impossabilium or Vibranium or something

Captain America’s shield. Made from impossabilium or Vibranium or something

The first room had my most favourite Avenger – Captain America. (Yes, I have a favourite Avenger, don’t judge me!)

I think The-Oldest’s favourite is Ironman because, well, Robert Downy Jr is awesome, but also because the guy uses his mad brain skills instead of being some sort of mutant. He’s funny, he’s tough, he’s irreverent and his only real flaw is that he doesn’t play the piano, but The-Oldest is willing to overlook that, I think, given that awesome suit he built.

The-Youngest’s favourite is Thor, though he can’t explain why he likes him so much. Having seen The-Youngest in a glass store, I would have thought he’d be more Hulkie. But I think he likes the idea of being a powerful god. He likes a hammer that only HE can use to throw at people. And he likes that Thor constantly beats up his annoying brother. So, yeah, I get it.

This is the way The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World looks at Captain America with his shirt off. The same way, I think, she looks at me.

This is the way The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World looks at Captain America with his shirt off. The same way, I think, she looks at me. At least in my dreams.

We listen to Cap’s story. Scrawny guy with a big heart tries to join army to fight Nazis. Doesn’t quite make it, but gosh-darn-it, does he ever try hard, attracting the attention of a special group of scientists who decide to inject him with super juice and turn him into a supersoldier. He bulks up in a way that makes The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World blush when she looks at him, then goes out to fight bad guys who actually existed back in a day where we didn’t blame all the evil in the world upon ourselves and instead blamed it on, you know, bad guys.

Given the name ‘Captain America’, he fights some Nazis, falls in love, then saves America by crashing a Nazi super plane into the Artic and lies frozen for…what’s the math? 2015-1945 = 70…. 70 years. Then he’s reanimated and joins the Avengers.

I was in nerd heaven. I got to hold his shield, read all about his tragic love, listen to his anguish at having to fight his best friend who he thought died in a WW2 mission, but was, yes, secretly mutated into the evil Winter Soldier, (which, by the way, is a very cool title.) For me, that story, all that tragedy they heap on him makes him such a great character.

See, the Hulk really just has anger issues. Cool, but not deeply moving. Ironman has, well, no real tragedies in his life, and he’s super rich and funny and everyone likes him, so not that moving either. And Thor, well, look at him. He’s a god. Not much to feel for a god is there, especially one that looks like Chris Hemsworth?

Hulk Hands compared to our hands.

Hulk Hands compared to our hands.

The boyz, while having a good time as well, simply didn’t have the stomach for reading every panel and listening to every information podcast. They were happy to leave me in my nerdvanna.

However, the next room, the Hulk’s room, was loud and kind of scary so The-Youngest didn’t go too far in without me, not that he was scared, you understand, but because there were facts I might need to know.

The Hulk room was awesome as well, but (like I said) very, very loud. I mean, hey, it’s the Hulk. He’s not a quiet guy.

And there was a ton of Hulkie things to do. Like making a life-sized, animated picture of him roar, clap his hands together like thunder or punch a hole in the wall beside him. The-Youngest loved that. The-Oldest, however, loved reading all the sciency facts about Bruce Banner and his transformation.

After that, we learned about Vision and Hawkeye and the Black Widow and Antman and Falcon and Nick Fury and at least two other rooms filled with Avengers. Both boyz got a little bored doing all that reading stuff. (Joe, reading AND a test in each room???? Seriously????), but The-Youngest amused himself by stomping on the Antman’s ants that swarmed the floor, while I read/listen to pretty much everything in every room.

He was sure he was a descendant of Odin, too.

He was sure he was a descendant of Odin, too.

Then we moved on to The-Youngest’s favourite – Thor. He tried to yank out Thor’s hammer, stood transfixed as the room blurred with light and sound like we were moving through the Asgardian bridge to other worlds, and told everyone who tried to lift Thor’s hammer that the hammer was actually fixed to the floor.

‘Cuz they needed to know that.

The-Oldest insisted he didn’t have a favourite. He told that to all the attendants who asked, but in the last room we say, in Ironman’s room, I actually saw him get excited, taking pictures of EVERY Ironman suit and gaping up in awe at Ironman’s Hulk-defeating-super-suit.

Then we were all lead into a big room where we faced off against Ultron in a video game where we stood in front of a giant screen and used our phones or devices as weapons to defeat him.

Fun. Fun. Fun.

I had a great time.

Not sure the boyz loved it as much as I did, but they did get to be in an awesome picture with the Avengers so that’s something, and The-Youngest made it through without breaking anything, so I count it as a complete success.

Especially since The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World came back with tons of clothes that she adored (though, being true to herself, 90% of those clothes were for the boys, not her.) It’s what makes her so amazing. She always gets more excited about doing stuff for others than herself.

Like a real-life super hero. Minus the cape.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6th Day in Vegas –

Posted on September 4, 2016 by Joe Cummings
The Germanic part of me always needs a plan.

The Germanic part of me always needs a plan.

I have to have a plan. I still can’t quite play it totally “by ear.” It may be something I need to work on in therapy. Or after a bottle of wine.

But today’s plan? An adventure for me, (I would have said, “an adventure for the boyz”, but the truth was, it was for me, me, me and me.) An adventure for The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World. And an epic adventure for The-Oldest. Since yesterday was pretty much a whole day for The-Youngest, the rest of us would get something special today.

On the agenda, a visit to the fashion mall. Take the Avengers Tour. See Cirque du Soleil’s Beatles Love.

Can you guess which experience belonged to which person?

Luckily, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World felt good, today, her migraine mostly, but not completely, gone. We began by marching out into the sunny… wait, what, cloudy??? Day. The air smelled of smoke from a fire off to the west. My eyes burned. The-Oldest sneezed a lot, though he was pretty sure it was not because of the smoke, but because of the light???? Apparently being allergic to light is a thing.

At least according to the internet.

The Fashion Mall, right across the street from Treasure Island.

The Fashion Mall, right across the street from Treasure Island.

Not a lot of people up at 11am, not many in the mall. Shamefully, we ate breakfast at the food court and I devoured about 3000 calories in a crape so stuffed with whipped cream, they burned out an entire can on it. (BUT, also inside, there were 3 banana slices, so, yeah, it was totally healthy, too!)

While we ate, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World kept glancing towards the mall, towards all those shoe stores and purse stores and clothing stores … with a lean and hungry look like a praying mantis.

No, ah, not praying mantis? How about an octopus? No??? Ok, how about a beautiful lioness? Ok, that’s the one, then. …with a lean and hungry look like a beautiful lioness.

But what would the boyz do in a fashion mall, you ask?

Well, there was a Lego store, a video games store and The-Youngest had decided he needed a pair of headphones – ones that he could afford, that would have professional, studio-quality sound, and ones that had super comfy padding so his ears would be, you know, super comfortable. He set his price limit at about $20. I set the possibility of finding one at about 0, especially with no Best Buys or Walmarts in this mall.

So as soon as we were all done breakfast, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World roared off. I won’t say she ran, but, you know, she didn’t saunter to the stores, either.

Looking for headphones in a fashion mall is like looking for honest politicians in Washington.

Looking for headphones in a fashion mall is like looking for honest politicians in Washington.

We boyz meandered around, vaguely heading towards the gaming and Lego stores, looking at the people, at the displays set up and at the other stores, no matter how mundane,

When we found the gaming store, we looked at every game there. Literally. Every. Game.

We even looked at a few twice. Plus, The-Youngest touched everything at least once and I’m pretty sure he fondled the headphones there more than 30 times, (but didn’t buy any, cuz, “Joe, did you know that these are gaming headphones? They have mics and I don’t need a mic.”)

Then we went to the Lego store and found that they have a nifty new screen that detects your box and then animates the Lego for you. So, lemme esplain. The screen reads the picture on the box, say a tie fighter, then an animated tie fighter appears on your box and zooms around and shoots things.

It was dead cool.

The-Youngest tried every box in the store, I think. All the while, the-Oldest began to build his most epic racer from old Lego parts. See, they have a neat box that you can build lego the way I used to build Lego. No instructions. No tie fighters (sadly). Just blocks and wheels.

After about 40 hours, The-Youngest grew bored with getting boxes and watching the animated lego pictures, and began to build his own super racer. It was about a foot long. The-Oldset built a wide, heavy, four-wheeled racer with a jet engine on the back. The-Youngest built, ah, something like a truck. Or a snake with wheels, I’m really not sure.

Ah, the simple joys of Lego. Old-school Lego. No tie fighters, no complex kits that make the Taj Mahal, just blocks and wheels.

Ah, the simple joys of Lego. Old-school Lego. No tie fighters, no complex kits that make the Taj Mahal, just blocks and wheels.

Then they raced. If they started nose to nose, The-Oldest won. Hands down. But!!! If you started butt to butt, then the shear length of The-Youngest’s extra long hauler could squeak out a victory.

Honestly, I don’t know how long we were in there, but that’s the cool thing about the Lego store. They just let you play if you want.

When we left, I texted The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World. She was still in the first store. Zara. Right beside the food court.

I had to laugh.

But she was having fun, so we went in search of headphones, trying all the major stores and even the booths. Remind me never to approach a booth. The-Youngest shot off to one and I nearly had to punch the person to get away. Think of it as having to get rid of a leech. Fire is the best method, but lacking even a lighter, I had to say, no, we aren’t interested about 8 times as we walked farther and farther away, the seller trailing us like a Turkish Rug hawker.

Having looked through the ENTIRE mall, I texted The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World and she had found a great store that carried the pants she LOVED.

“Better you boyz head off to the Avengers,”  she said. At least that’s what I heard. Could be she said, why don’t you come bra shopping with me, but whatever, we went back to the hotel to do something I wanted to do.

Nerd stuff.

Avenger stuff.

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Day 5 – Vegas High Roller

Posted on September 3, 2016 by Joe Cummings
The High Roller. A huge Ferris Wheel in Vegas.

The High Roller. A huge Ferris Wheel in Vegas.

It was likely this would be the last event of the day. – Our ride on the High Roller Ferris wheel.

At a certain point, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World would have to call it quits. Her migraine wasn’t going away. I worried that this ‘ride’ might be too much for her.

Now the High Roller is like a party room on a big wheel. The-Youngest declared that he would have his 21st birthday in it. And rent a limo. And shoot some guns. And buy all the candy he wants because he’ll be able to do what he wants then.

This is where The-Youngest wants to spend his 21st birthday

This is where The-Youngest wants to spend his 21st birthday

But at 3pm, there really wasn’t much partying going on. I can imagine that at night, the view is spectacular with Vegas lit up with bright neon and it would be a great place to have some drinks with friends. Maybe a lot of drinks.

At 3pm, there’s no lines, either. So we sailed right in to one of our gondolas. Beneath us, the flood waters raged down a street and into a parking garage. Above us, the sun shone. Inside with us was a family of Russians. Mom. Pretty girl, handsome boy, expensive clothes and shoes. Husband probably has neck tattoo and gold teeth.

Did the pretty Russian girl notice him?

Did the pretty Russian girl notice him?

The girl was so pretty that even The-Oldest noticed her. She was his age, give or take a year. Didn’t stop him from being his awesome, funny, self, posing like a model for pictures, though. I hope he never loses that goofy, fun side of himself.

I offered to a to use their phone to take a picture of them, since, (unlike us) they didn’t have an awesome selfie-stick. They thanked me, but didn’t return the favour.

Despite going super high, the heights didn’t bother me at all. However, the High Roller had a ladder that made me dizzy looking at it. Fear of heights not bad, but that ladder, it had to follow the curve of the structure so at some point, you’d be climbing it at a backwards 60 degree angle! Yikes.

The view of Vegas from the High Roller.

The view of Vegas from the High Roller.

It was a lovely ride and The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World held out super well, even posing for one of the best pictures we’ve ever taken of the family.The views were fantastic, and while it’s not free, I think it’s totally worth the price, especially if you get a discount coupon online.

More panoramic Vegas from the High Roller

More panoramic Vegas from the High Roller

Flood stopped taxis from getting to the nearest hotel. Had to march around to the front to try to find one.

Didn’t find one.

Marched to Caesars, then the Mirage, then took their tram to our hotel. Had to ask since there were no directions for tram. Ended up being the completely opposite end of the hotel, where we had basically come in.

Each step agony for The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World.

When we got back, she needed to go to bed and since The-Youngest can’t remain quiet for more than 2 seconds, and we couldn’t plug him in due to no internet, we went downstairs, ate pizza and they got even more lectures on the pitfalls of gambling.

See, this is something we didn’t expect. We hadn’t prepared for this. Phones didn’t have much of a charge left. So, no games. We actually had to talk.

Talk!!!!

Had a great chat with The-Oldest about what makes great music. Had a great chat with The-Youngest about if you’re going to eat two Jolly Ranchers at once, was it better to have them the same flavour or mix it up, though Joe, did you know, you have to be careful about what flavours you mix?

Ate frozen yogurt after the pizza and talked more. I even got to talk a little bit about life and choices and the girl in the gondola.

Then we explored the entire hotel. We found the Avengers exhibit. Found a hot dog restaurant! The-Youngest did a running play-by-play of a horse race. Found more bathrooms. The-Youngest declared that his favourite game would be keno. And he knew how to win. Even though he didn’t know how to play.

at 6pm, the pool is not a kid-friendly place. Much worse at 9 I think.

at 6pm, the pool is not a kid-friendly place. Much worse at 9 I think.

We looked at all the shops, decided not to buy a purse for any of us, went to the pool and saw it was filled with 20 somethings yelling and partying, checked out every little hallway and passage that didn’t have a sign that said ‘employees only.’

Honestly, it was a lot of fun. I love exploring and exploring with the boys just made it a billion times better. The-Youngest is always full of questions like ‘why is that man lying facedown on the slot machine or what is that on the floor or how many beers can you carry, Joe?

Came back about 8. Simply ran out of things to do. No games to buy. And I wasn’t going to teach The-Youngest to play poker or 21.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World felt a bit better, but still needed sleep, so we all went to bed, early and dreamed of what was to come tomorrow.

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When the Rains Come

Posted on September 1, 2016 by Joe Cummings
Vegas in the rain. Grey. Wet. And very different

Vegas in the rain. Grey. Wet. And very different

A pouring rain came to Vegas. And, being in a desert, Vegas has a problem with rain.

5 problems, actually.

First, people don’t know what to do. I mean, in Vegas, even Vancouverites don’t have an umbrella packed away in their backpacks. No one has jackets. No one’s prepared. So mostly they stand in the hotel doorways looking up and muttering, boy, it’s raining outside.

Second, traffic becomes a nightmare. I’m honestly not sure why it suddenly becomes worse. Maybe people are looking up instead of driving. Maybe they’re worried about the slippery roads. Or maybe Vegas cars have a reaction to the rain and automatically slow down.

Wait! What? You want me to stand in the rain for a picture? Are you kidding me?

Wait! What? You want me to stand in the rain for a picture? Are you kidding me?

But we didn’t mind. I even took a picture of The-Youngest in the rain, right by the Hershey store sign. He was not happy, but at his age, he can’t tell me to go f*ck myself like The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-world would.

Running out of time to get all our sights seen, we made a mad dash across the bridge from NY, NY to MGM Grand to see the other candy store, (M&Ms) and check out the Coke store. The M&Ms seemed bigger. Hell, they even had a car in it, and The-Youngest found about 200 things to buy.

He found cups with his name on it, key chains with his name on it, license plates with his name on it. It thrilled him to know people thought about him and wanted to put his name on things. Me, it’s why I’ll always try places like Original Joe’s, Joe’s Lube and Oil, or Joe’s Sexy Lingerie Shop.

The-Youngest drooled over slot machine-like dispensers. A toy jeep with M&Ms storage in the back, toy  helicopters with a bomb bay full of M&Ms, animal dispensers, you name it, they had a way of dispensing M&Ms from it.

I think there should be a contest. What’s the rudest thing you can invent that dispenses M&Ms? Have at it.

The M&Ms car. The-Youngest wanted to buy it. To, you know, store his M&Ms.

The M&Ms car. The-Youngest wanted to buy it. To, you know, store his M&Ms.

Luckily, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-Wold found an M&Ms dispenser that looked like a pencil and didn’t cost as much as a smart car. Not that he was spending our money on any of these things, he was using his own hard-earned pooch-poo-picking-up-cash, but we still wanted to make sure he had some cash for stuff he’d invariably want in 10 min. Or one day.

The Coke store was a bust, though. The-Youngest wouldn’t go in. Big bear outside. The stuff of nightmares. I don’t think any of us were really disappointed.

Outside, it continued to rain. I loved it. That wet, hot-water smell tinged with dust. The lack of smog in the air. The way the cars sounded slicing through the rivers that began to form on the roads…

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World’s migraine began to become debilitating. But she kept up her good cheer and wanted to go on, just not in the pouring rain, so we stayed indoors, found pants in Marshalls and the most awesome shirt for The-Oldest that made him look super handsome.

The youngest kept hugging his new super soft Jolly Rancher pillow like he’d found his best friend.

When the rain stopped, we ventured out. We had planned to take a bus or a cab to our next location and that’s when we hit the third way that Vegas has a problem with rain.

No cabs. Everyone is taking one. And with no rain, all those people who had been inside, decided to go outside. Just like us. The sidewalks were crowded with hundreds of people, all of them super annoying. The Russian gangster wannabes with their mirrored sunglasses and girlfriends in super-short, shorts. The zombies walking so slow they were almost moving backwards. The hawkers trying to give your kid a card for free cocaine or something.

When it's not a dry heat.

When it’s not a dry heat.

And while walking, we ran into the forth thing that is a problem when Vegas rains. When the sun comes back out, that lovely, dry heat turns into something muggy and humid.  Something sauna-like.

It made The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World’s migraine so bad that if we wanted to get to our next location, the famed High Roller roller coaster, then we would have to cab it.

It took a while to find one, but we finally found a grumpy cabby who looked like Ted Nugent after a hard night of partying and smelled like he’d slept inside a cigarette carton. (Not the best when all smells make The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World sicker.)

IMG_0859

The flood waters in Vegas disappearing into an underground parkade

Then we came upon the last and final reason why Vegas doesn’t do rain that well.

Floods!

Being me, and somewhat stupid sometimes, I looked at the river of water pouring down one road and into what looked like an underground garage and said, OMG that’s so cool.”.

I probably would have looked at the Hiroshima bomb and said, OMG, wow, look at that amazing mushroom cloud!

Thats it water, head down this street, take a left, thats right, now head to the flood canals please

That’s it water, head down this street, take a left, that’s right, now head to the flood canals, please

The Ted-Nugent guy looked at me.  “Cool? Not for the people who are affected by the flood.”

Clearly Ted Nugent was not a fan of the awesome destruction of nature like me.

I think in my next life, I want to chase storms for a living. Or create them, depending on if I’ve evolved into a god or not.

But despite the rains and floods, we’d reached the High Roller.

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Vegas Surprises

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Joe Cummings

The rest of the day began well enough. Most horror novels start this way.

The Village Street Eateries in NY, NY, Vegas. My favourite area to eat.

The Village Street Eateries in NY, NY, Vegas. My favourite area to eat.

We had THE BEST lunch at NY, NY. I love this hotel, with its fake streets and fake Manhattan skyline and fake Statue of Liberty.

We ate at the not-so-fake Broadway Burger Bar and Grill. Made our own. The boyz had their traditional hamburger – patty, bun and ketchup, no, nothing more, just plain with ketchup, no, no tomato or mustard, just plain.

I ate the massive and diet-killing philly burger, which was largely a huge burger stacked with cheese, steak, and grilled onions and peppers. OMG good. I instantly gained 30lbs.

Plus, our waiter was simply fantastic. Chatty. Informative. Funny. He not only served us food, he gave us some great advice as well.

However, it was right after that meal that things started to go pear-shaped.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World began to get a migraine which could be from me making loud eating noises and moaning, ‘Omg,’ this burger is good for the entire lunch, or it could be the beating her head took on the roller coaster, or it could simply be the stress and pressure of a day filled with making sure The-Youngest does not behave like a rabid howler monkey hopped up on coffee.

Maybe all 3.

But by the time we were done, she wasn’t feeling well at all.

We could have gone back to the hotel, but The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World wanted to make sure her boy had a great day. She’s amazing that way.

So off to the Hershey store we went.

Yes, they made a Statue of Liberty out of Twizzlers. This is Vegas, after all. Be thankful it wasn't condoms.

Yes, they made a Statue of Liberty out of Twizzlers. This is Vegas, after all. Be thankful it wasn’t condoms.

Now, it’s quite a balance for us, letting The-Youngest have the best time possible while making sure we don’t get kicked out of a store because our child climbed the walls or stuffed his underwear full of hard candy.

I mean, on one hand, we want him to be a kid and enjoy those kid-moments of pure happiness.

On the other hand, we do not want to live in a world ruled by unsupervised 9-year-olds going all Lord-of-the-Flies, taking off his shirt and rubbing chocolate on themselves.

And the simplest solution… The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World held The-Youngest’s hand. In a vice-like momma-grip.

But wow, did he love that store. He dragged his mom to every part of the store, showing her cups that looked like they were made out of chocolate, pillows that looked like Jolly Rancher candies, water bottles with the Hershey logo, and HUGE chocolate bars the size of brief-cases.

What, no apple-flavoured Jolly Ranchers? But I saw them on YouTube!

What, no apple flavoured Jolly Ranchers? But I saw them on YouTube!

Then he ran into the most terrible of things. Something he’d not prepared himself for in any way despite having watched hours of video on what the inside of the Hershey store looked like. They didn’t have a dispenser for apple flavoured Jolly Ranchers.

The-Youngest wasn’t pleased. Nothing was turning out like the YouTube videos showed. First, the roller coasters were terrifying. No one told him that. Then we wouldn’t let him gamble more than $2. THEN, horror of horrors, no apple flavoured Jolly Ranchers!!!!

To be fair, he took it pretty well. It would be like me going to a tank museum and finding all the tanks didn’t have guns, or The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World going to a shoe store and finding a perfect pair of shoes, but forgetting her wallet. Or not having them in her size.

But he couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t have his favourite flavour. He wanted to speak to someone about this.

Luckily, that lasted only, what, a minute, then he was off, again, rushing to look at the orange peanut butter cup displays and touch all the shot glasses. FYI, if you ever buy anything like that in a candy store, wash the sh*t out of it cuz I guarantee it’s been touched by 10,000 little sticky, snotty, dirty fingers (and that’s just kid-fingers. Imagine what the adults have been touching!)

In the end, The-Youngest bought a pillow, a big bag of Jolly Ranchers, (assorted flavours) and got a free gigantic chocolate bar because, I think, he was so damn polite at the till.

That seemed to cheer him up. Nothing like free candy, right?

Then, we went to go outside. Into the bright sunshine. Into the heat.

Only to find it was raining.

Pouring, actually.

Kim without make-up? Vegas without sun? Are these things even possible?

Kim without make-up? Vegas without the sun? Are these things even possible?

I was super excited.

It’s not every day you get to see rain in Vegas. It’s kind of odd.  Like seeing a good Adam Sandler comedy or a Kardashian without make-up.

So, anyone have any idea what happens in Vegas when it rains?

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New York, New York, Vegas-Style

Posted on August 30, 2016 by Joe Cummings
Ny, Ny, in Vegas. Oddly, the sky looked just like this. It should have been a warning

NY, NY, in Vegas. Oddly, the sky looked just like this. It should have been a warning

This was to be The-Youngest’s day. Down to NY NY, play some arcade games, see the candy stores, (“Joe, did you know they are 3 stories tall and all the floors have candy?”), then head to the High Roller and see Vegas from a 782’ Ferris wheel.

A simple plan, but once, again, something cropped up that we never, ever would have expected.

To be honest, we weren’t in a rush, though by ‘us’, I mean everyone but The-Youngest. He wanted to get going and going NOW. However, inexplicably, he wasn’t being a pest. Although he couldn’t keep still and kept walking around the hotel like a caged badger on speed, he didn’t bug the rest of us who were moving with sloth-like swiftness.

We ended up buying food in the gift shop. At $120 for breakfast, we had to rethink our approach and so bought milk and cereal at the gift shop. Sure, it wasn’t Walmart-cheap, but it was less than $15 for all of us.

We ate back at the room, cleaned up the mess after The-Youngest managed to spill his entire cereal box and milk onto the bed, and then dressed for the day.

By 11, we were out of the hotel and roaring down to NY, NY, which is not quite at the far end of the strip but far enough to make walking a bit difficult. We chose to use a cab since getting a 2-hour bus pass for the 4 of us costs more. If we’re going to use the bus a lot it makes total sense to spend the money, but if it’s just to zip down to one hotel, then cabs are the best way to go (or Uber which we still might try).

roller coaster at ny ny

The roller coaster at NY, NY, Vegas. Wow

Originally, The-Youngest planned (nay, dreamed!) of going on the coaster at NY, NY. But El Loco scared him so badly that he decided, in a very rational and contemplative manner, to wait until he’s 86 to go on the more adult roller coasters.

The-Oldest and The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World, however, HAD to try out this one. Frankly, I was happy to stay with the-Youngest and listen to the facts about roller coasters around the world that he would one day do.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World came back with her hair messed up and a look on her face like a soldier who’d just come back from a tour in Bagdad. I asked her if she was ok, and she looked at me bashfully and told me that the ride made her bra come off.

What? How the hell does a roller coaster do that?

She shrugged. Who knew someone could be sexually harassed by a rollercoaster.

We’re still not sure how it happened, but we’re blaming her front-loading bra. I guess the excitement was just too much for the ‘girls’ and they wanted to be free.

The-Oldest, though, had the look of someone who’s just eaten a bag of chocolate covered coffee beans, the biggest grin on his face. They both had a great time!

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An epic game of air hockey, brother vs brother, no prisoners taken.

Then we played in the arcade. The-Youngest made the mistake of reminding me that I lost to him the last time we played air hockey, so I kicked his butt this time. The real challenge, though, was stopping him from playing all the gambling games to get 1000 tickets which can then be used to buy a small, rubber ball.

Playing was no longer important. Winning was. A game where you shoot zombies in the nuts became un-fun, while a game where you could win a ticket if you guessed the right number became super-awesome. In the end, he got to play only a few of those, however, and for that privilege, he was treated to 20 minutes of me lecturing him, again, about gambling and obsessive behavior (which I freely admitted, I can do as well.)

Then it was time for food since we refused to let The-Youngest into a candy store before he ate. And, to be honest, there was no way I could go in a candy store on an empty stomach. You have no idea how much chocolate I would buy. I might even buy the store.

So we went to eat at the BEST area in Vegas, in my opinion.

We had no idea of what was happening outside.

 

 

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What Writers Do on a Vacation in Vegas

Posted on August 30, 2016 by Joe Cummings
You got time for a confession?

You got time for a confession?

Confession time. I hate everyone, and everything at 6

I hate everyone, and everything at 6 am in the morning before I’ve had coffee.

I do not leap out of bed and think, wow, what a wonderful world, I’m so grateful to be alive. I think, why no one has invented an intravenous machine that pumps hot coffee directly into your veins?

Everyone is still asleep when I get up and it’s hard to sneak out to do writing because The-Prettiest-Girl-In-the-World has momma-hearing, (and that means she detects the exact moment my breathing changes.) After thumping around, I kiss her on the forehead and tell her I hope she gets back to sleep.

The strip and casinos are dead at 6 am. Even the in-house Starbucks isn’t busy. The few who are up seem to be either rushing out with a suitcase, or staggering around red-eyed like they never went to sleep. There are a few nutbags at the hotel gym, I should imagine. Some at the slots looking tired and broke. I see one sad-looking soul at the bar (and I’m not even sure they’re serving anything.) But a casino is a spooky place without a lot of people.

Right now, I hate everyone I see. The thin guy in his expensive jogging shoes and high-tech sweat gear heading out for a run. The large black woman who’s closing in on 400lbs who has decided yoga pants are a good look this morning. The overly nice barista who tries to make happy-happy conversation with me when all I want to do is order a coffee, grande. The white-haired old guy who couldn’t figure out what to order despite standing in line for 10 freaking minutes and stands at the counter, looking at the board like this is his most difficult decision of his day and if he gets it wrong, he’s going back to the concentration camp or something, (spoiler alert, this will be me when I’m 200.)

Lacking a Tim Hortons or Dunkin Donuts, I guess a Starbucks will do.

Lacking a Tim Hortons or Dunkin Donuts, I guess a Starbucks will do.

I need coffee. Coffee doesn’t so much restore my faith in people as it moves my brain way from sleepy grumpiness to wide-awake creativity.

It really quite a transformation. I go from wanting to murder the guy who looked like he shined his bald head with a floor buffer to give it a blinding shine to reading the burlap sacks on the walls of Starbucks and wondering when the sack says “save the Amazon, use Jute” what the heck Jute is? A tree? A plant like hemp? What if I had a character named Jute? From the Amazon? Who wears burlaps sacks?

So, this morning, yes, not only will I write a bit, but I have to figure out how to make the tickets to the High Roller Ferris Wheel usable on my mobile phone. We’ve also brought tickets to the Beatles Love (Cirque du Soliel style) because The-Oldest needs a good music fix. He hasn’t been able to play his piano for nearly a week, listened to no classical music for at least two says, and I can see that his eye is starting to twitch.

Last night I failed to get those tickets on my phone. I was simply too tired to figure it all out. With more coffee, I hope everything becomes clear. Last night, The-Youngest, who listed the High Roller in his top 10 then asked, actually asked, if he could bring his iPad cuz it could be boring and he didn’t want to be bored on it.

This from the guy who bugged us for WEEKS to go on the High Roller.

I said, ah, that would be a no. No iPad.

New York, New York, in Las Vegas. The Holy Grail of the kid side of Vegas. Rides. Candy. Arcades.

I would actually love to visit the real NY one day, but for now, this’ll have to do.

Also planned for today…NY NY, mostly for the rollercoaster there, which (after supper), The-Youngest vowed NOT to go on because of his terrifying experience yesterday. He’s gone from literally vibrating with excitement at the mention of a rollercoaster to looking like he’s about to have his liver removed with a spoon and all his electronics sold to hobos.

But The-Oldest is dead keen on that coaster. He’s fearless on those things. Beyond fearless, really. He loves the speed, the exhilaration, the feel of terror and impending death.

He’s 13.

Then after NY, NY, we’re hitting the candy shops, a place that The-Youngest can talk to you about for hours. I kid you not.

The Hershey Store in Vegas, with a freaking WALL of Jolly Ranchers

The Hershey Store in Vegas, with a freaking WALL of Jolly Ranchers

“Joe, did you know they have giant jars of Jolly Ranchers that are just the red kind, but I don’t know if they’re actually the watermelon kind or the cherry kind or what, but it doesn’t really make any difference because I like them both, but I also like the apple ones which are green, and they have jars of them, too, and all the other colors, and I think, if I have enough room in my luggage, that I’ll get the green ones, cuz apple is my favourite and Joe, did you know that they have Hershey bars that are so big that they cost $50…”

Knowing how much time everything takes, we’ll have a full day. I suspect we’ll be spending hours in the candy store alone while The-Youngest debates which two jars of candy he’ll take home. Joe, did you know that on one hand, the watermelon ones are good in the summer because they taste like real watermelon, and that’s refreshing, but apple is kind of refreshing, too, and tastes like, you know, apple, which always tastes good, but then, again, oh, look there’re the jars filled with the blueberry ones and they’re my all-time favourite…

Fun times.

And I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

After I’ve had my coffee, that is.

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The Day of Fails and Wins – The Adventure Dome

Posted on August 29, 2016 by Joe Cummings
The Spazadoodle resting, waiting to pounce.

The Spazadoodle resting, waiting to pounce.

When we come home, we have a spazadoodle that rushes from person to person trying to see everyone at once. It’s a blur of fur and barking and running around.

The-Youngest was the same when we got to the Adventure Dome. Minus, you know, the fur and most of the barking.

See, The-Youngest simply couldn’t make up his mind on what to do. There were so many rides to try. The El Loco roller coaster, the Canyon Blaster coaster, the ride that got you wet, the ride that hung you upside down, the ride that zoomed you 1000 feet in the air, then dropped you like a stone.

IMG_9493

So much to dooooo! What to do first at Adventure Dome? What to do first? What?

It’s understandable. Hey, there were a lot of rides to try. Not like Disneyland. Or some of the other theme parks. But for Vegas, this was the place to be for rides.

In all the research that he’d done, never once did he figure out what to do first. Me, I would have had an itemized excel spreadsheet detailing rides, times and likelihood of me throwing up. On a scale of 1-5.

See, when I want to do something, sure I plan it out, maybe over plan might be the right word, but certainly, once I get there, I know what I’m going to do. Down to the second.

So he dragged us around the entire complex desperately trying to make a decision he couldn’t himself make.

So, in the end, we chose for him. It was that or have his brother kill him. And we chose… are you ready,?  …bumper cars.

It was a poor choice. Oh, the bumper cars could have been awesome. You drive around, smash into each other, The-Oldest can line up his brother and smash into him, The-Youngest can charge like a bull at the Stepdad and nearly shatter his spine.

Yup, good times. But for some reason, the people running the ride didn’t clear out all the excess cars. So we simply crashed into them like a pile-up on an LA freeway in the fog. And then no one moved. No one could. We were bumper to bumper and stuck.

It was a lot like this. Bumper-to-bumper bumper cars.

It was a lot like this. Bumper-to-bumper bumper cars.

It was the worst 3 min ride ever. Or 5 minutes. I can’t remember. But it helped The-Youngest choose the next ride. He wanted to go hardcore. No more kiddy rides. It was time for El Loco.

Being me and being old and in many ways comfortable with my life, I didn’t have any desire to be flung around on this coaster. So I declined. But the-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World, being the best mom ever, chose to go, as did The-Oldest who has no fear of these darned things.

But here’s what happened. The ride was fast. It flung you around. It hung you upside down. It jerked you this way and jerked you that way. All at horrific speeds.

This is the terrifying El Loco roller coaster in the Adventure Dome. Old Circus Circus.

This is the terrifying El Loco roller coaster in the Adventure Dome. Old Circus Circus.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World staggered off of it holding her neck. The-Oldest danced away from the ride with the biggest smile on his face. The-Youngest, though, well, he looked like he’d seen a ghost. Or his parents have sex. Something horrific, anyway.

Thing is, that ride scared the hell out of him. As it would me. It’s why I don’t do these things. And he learned that it’s one thing to watch 3000 videos on the ride and a whole different experience actually, you know, experiencing it. Feeling the speed. Having your stomach drop as the coaster hurtles down. Having your head spin as you dangle upside down.

He hated it.

And, I think, hated himself for hating it.

It’s like dreaming of eating a huge plate of ice cream only to find out that eating it makes you sick.

A fun, if not terrifying ride. My kind of ride, actually.

A fun, if not terrifying ride. My kind of ride, actually.

So, after walking around with his mom for a bit, trying to explain what he was feeling and not wanting to let everyone down, we decided to do our own thing. The-Oldest and I went on all the super hardcore rides. Ok, HE went on them and I cheered him on. The-Youngest and his mom went on all the other rides. The ones designed for 9 year olds. The ones not designed to make you want to throw up.

The only hard ride I went on was the Canyon Buster coaster and it was my perfect ride. Lots of speed, which I love, lots of twists and turns, (even flipping upside down), but no big drop at the beginning which I find utterly terrifying for some reason. Only problem, one turn slammed my head to one side and my braces cut a huge hole on the inside of my cheek.

Stupid braces.

The dancing machine. The-Oldest, not the machine

The dancing machine. The-Oldest, not the machine

After the rides, we played arcade games. The-Oldest did amazingly well on the dancing machine, while The-Youngest wanted to gamble. First, the coin push.

Ah, that’s a no, we said.

Then he wanted to spin the wheel to get tickets. We finally relented and he was so excited when he won ‘the jackpot’ and got 70 tickets. 70 tickets bought him 5 jolly ranchers. He kept hearing people win. See they win here, he’d tell us.

But we went through the math. We went through gambling with him. We went through the whole ‘winning’ thing. Look at the arcade. If you’re here for fun, that’s ok, you have $25 and you spend that $25 to have fun. But if you’ve come to win, you’ve just spent $25 and got 5 Jolly Ranchers. You could have bought, like, 10 bags of Jolly Ranchers. There is no $$$ sense in chasing the win.

Luckily, math won. This time.

Happy with the day, we ate hot dogs at the food court (pretty yummy, actually), and then we headed back to the room. In the end, we all had fun, even if it wasn’t the fun we thought we’d have.

New York, New York, in Las Vegas. The Holy Grail of the kid side of Vegas. Rides. Candy. Arcades.

New York, New York, in Las Vegas. The Holy Grail of the kid side of Vegas. Rides. Candy. Arcades.

The-Youngest, much to my surprise, was not all bummed out.

“Joe, did you know that the candy stores are all near New York, New York and that the roller coaster isn’t as scary as the El Loco, and that there’s a new arcade there, and the Statue of Liberty’s there, though not the real one, a smaller version, and I can get Jolly Ranchers at the candy store, except I won’t want lemon, because lemon isn’t that sweet and…”

It’s one of the things I love about that kid. He’s forever positive about the future. He took that disappointment over the roller coaster ride and put it in the past. Just like that.

And, back at the room, we finally came up with something special for The-Oldest. Something totally Vegas.

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The Day of Wins and Fails in Las Vegas Pt 1

Posted on August 29, 2016 by Joe Cummings
Someone wants something really, really badly.

Someone wants something really, really badly. Like a trip to the Adventure Dome in Circus Circus.

It was time, to quote The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World, “to let The-Youngest go Orangutan.”

After weeks of research, of looking up Vegas pictures, of reading reviews and watching idiots do idiotic things in Vegas on YouTube, the day had finally arrived for The-Youngest. HIS DAY. A day at the Adventure Dome. A day of roller coasters, bumper cars, and food-court food.

Little could he have possibly guessed what would happen.

Still a little tired, we all ate at the hotel restaurant. $115 for breakfast. And The-Youngest only ate his toast. So that’s $30 for toast. What’s worse is that I felt compelled to eat everything that was left. So, good bye diet, hello second helping of eggs and hash browns and sausages.

I wasn’t mad at The-Youngest, though, he was just so excited.

This is the terrifying El Loco roller coaster in the Adventure Dome. Old Circus Circus.

This is the terrifying El Loco roller coaster in the Adventure Dome. Old Circus Circus.

“Joe, did you know that you can get a pass for the whole day and go on all the rides? Joe, did you know that they are open until midnight? (I think I groaned at this point.) Joe did you know that El Loco is the best rollercoaster ride in Vegas? Joe did you know they have ANOTHER rollercoaster, too? It’s called the Canyon Blaster, and someone threw up on it? (Today?) No. There was a video (Great. I always wanted to throw up on a rollercoaster.)

So, yeah, I was less than enthusiastic about the whole roller coaster thing, but boy, was he keyed up. The-Oldest was as well. I could tell because he only half-shrugged when we told him what we were doing today. Not a full-on Gallic shrug, more of a “Yeah, I guess this could be interesting” kind of way.

Getting ready to go out into the summer sun, I made the rookie mistake of letting The-Youngest do his sunscreen. He slathered it on so thick that he looked like the Joker from Suicide Squad, minus the green hair. I scraped off as much as I could and used it to cover my vastly larger areas of white skin while he rubbed it into his skin. But at least we’d be protected from sunburns. Even if we lived on the sun itself.

How cool we looked just leaving the Treasure Island Hotel. Not sweaty, yet.

How cool we looked just leaving the Treasure Island Hotel. Not sweaty, yet.

Being near the Adventure Dome, we decided to walk. It wasn’t late in the day and, sure, the sun shone outside and heat shimmered off the pavement, and all the beggars retreated into the shade, but somehow we thought this was a good idea.

Ok, I thought this was a good idea.

Well, it really wasn’t that bad a walk. We avoided the sleazy guys handing out flyers of naked women (escorts?) and avoided more guys handing out pamphlets for sightseeing tours or discount show tickets. Not easy things to do.

The ruins of a once great casino. The Riviera.

The ruins of a once great casino. The Riviera. Check out the link for more info.

Plus, along the way, we got to see the debris from the latest Vegas Hotel demolition. Of all the places in the world, I don’t think there’s one that transforms as much as Vegas. It evolves faster than a rewrite of a movie that had a poor screening.

But we made it, a bit sweaty, a bit hot and The-Youngest dragged The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World through the maze-like casino. Even with The-Youngest trying to memorize the map and The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World using her mad navigational skills, we ended up, well, I have no idea, but there was no dome.

This is us trying to figure out how to get to the Adventure Dome.

This is us trying to figure out how to get to the Adventure Dome while waiting for the hula-hoop girl to appear. I think The-Oldest doubts we’ll ever figure it out.

Now, if you’ve ever been to a Vegas casino, you need to know that they have spent a lot of time, energy and money making sure it’s easy to get in, but you soon get lost trying to make your way from point A to point B. I guess the thinking is if you get lost, the flashing lights and ringing bells and people shouting, I’ve won a billion dollars, will make you forget what you came to do and sit down and gamble a bit.

What we did find was a cool little circus act. Every ½ hour. Or thereabouts. Like an old carnival show. Feeling lost and bewildered, we did what we do when we’re lost and bewildered, we sat down and watched a girl dance with hula-hoops.

She did things that would throw out my hip, herniate my spine and wreck my neck so badly that I’d need a Darth Vader suit to simply walk around (which I have to say, having thought about it more, sounds kind of cool.)  She displayed the kind of incredible gymnast-like flexibility that even on my best day, even when I was young, even if I fell down the stairs, I never had. And, she made it all look easy.

She was spectacular, but despite her smiles on stage, she looked sad when she left. She was Russian and they seem to look sad a lot, but I wondered if she thought her life would end up here, on the stage of a casino performing for chubby white guys who looked like they had nothing better to do. Clearly, she’d been a gymnast at some point. Maybe a medal contender. And now this.

I would be sad, too.

But it could be worse. At least they let her wear clothes. And she wasn’t in Russia anymore.

As nice as it was, however, it was just a rest stop for us. An oasis of human entertainment in a desert of lights and sounds. As soon as it ended, we were off to the Dome. I think we took the longest route possible, but finally got there.

And when we did, something really odd happened.

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