Putting Up The Lights
I wanted this to be the best Christmas ever. So, with our new house, I thought, hey, wouldn’t it be great to put up some lights.
I mean, how hard can it be? They have super nifty quick clips that clip quickly onto things like my finger or sweater or penis – not that I tried all three, but I’m sure it would work on all three. But the truth is, I’ve never hung lights before. On the house. Or the other three things.
So this should be fun. Right? Fun?
Here’s a video of them there lights…
So, a few things first. I would be the guy with the nails and duct tape. 2nd, that guy with the quick lights has a ladder that can actually reach his gutters. 3rd, they made this look all accident-proof. It is not. I should make a more accurate video.
However, my first real challenge was actually finding the lights. I went to Canadian tire, where they should have had like, billions of boxes of lights, but no, no they didn’t. They had an empty pallet and a very grumpy grandma pawing at it like she thought there were more buried under the pallet. I had the boys with me, so we all went on an eagle-eyed search for them.
Nada. The Youngest did find 10 more things for his Christmas list, but no warm bulbs with the quick clips.
I ended up going back the next day, after the night-restocking and scored 3 sets before the shopping piranhas descended again.
Joe -1. Forces of chaos and Entropy – 0
So it was, with a tangled mass of bulbs and wires that I went out into the frigid afternoon and began to clip the lights on. It took a bit of time, but man, those clip-ons are the bomb. I could even do it with my small ladder. However, I had MASSIVELY underestimated just how many strings of lights I would need.
The house was half done. Ever see a house half done?
It looks like it’s had a stroke.
I wanted it to be the most amazing light display of all time. Instead when the Youngest saw it, he looked at me like I’d had fallen on my head, and the Oldest patted me on the back and said, You’ll get it right next time.
Joe – 1. Forces of Chaos and Entropy – 1.
I had to get more lights. So I used that old fashioned device we like to call a telephone. I made the clerk check twice, poor thing, because if I was going to drive out to Surrey, if I was going to brave the people turning right from the left hand lane or have someone roaring up on my bumper with a jacked up Humvee, then I need to know for sure they had my lights.
They said they did.
I had to ask again.
“Yes, I’m sure. I’ve check twice.”
“Warm color, right?”
“Yes. Warm color. I’m looking right at them?
“Right at the boxes? They are the big ones? Warm color? For sure?”
“Do you want me to get a manager?”
Ha, triumphantly I said, “No need. I’ll be there in a bit.”
So off I went.
Funny thing about the Surrey store. In Langley we have flyers pasted to the doors. Not pretty, but not bad. In Surrey, they have poorly pixellated shots of people who’ve stolen from them, defrauded them or, I think, asked the clerk to check for light bulbs twice.
But they had what I was looking for. 6 boxes. That would have to be enough. Right?
I brought them home, I set up the ladder so I could access the roof – I had to access the roof, and I stood at the bottom of the ladder, the tangled lights wrapped around my arm, and stared up at the frosty roof, partially covered in snow.
What could go wrong?
In the meantime, how have you risked your life for Christmas?
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