The 10 Most Interesting Things That Happened On That Move

The great thing about writing, about blogging, is that you see everything in a slightly different light. Like a drunk. Or a zen master. Or both.

Plus, with my new family, I even get to learn a thing or two. The great move of 2014 had a bit of both.

1. I learned that kids love open spaces. If they had it their way, there’d be nothing but open space, a table to play their games on, and a TV, with or without a chair. The boys named the downstairs basement room the ‘rolling around room’, for the love of God. That kinda gives you an idea of what they want to do in that room. But, hey, who am I to complain? I have a library, aka, a room for books.

2. Having their own space is important to the boys, right? But equally important is a requirement that said space be precisely equal in square footage. Before we moved, the Youngest had a smaller room. A massively smaller room, to hear his side of the story. A room so small, he could barely turn around, a room so small his lego men had bigger beds, a room so small that when he took a breath, he sucked all of the oxygen out of it. Now, however, his room is within 3cm, (I kid you not, we measured) of his brother’s. Order has been restored to the universe.

3. The boys’ priority of unpacking was, the 3DSs, the computers and cookies for the dog. I loved that they thought about the dog, but there was little thought about food or shelter for themselves. I guess that’s why they have parents (and I guess that’s why dogs love kids.)

4. The vibrating bag, was, for the record and with complete honesty, not what you think it was. Nor what the movers thought it was. Sure it was a pink bag and, yes, something inside of it was going mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, but it was a canine nail grinder that got accidentally turned on. Yes, a nail grinder. For Vegas. For her nails. But nothing to see here. Move on.

5. The boys heard a lot of swearing. And not just from me. Last time they managed to hear such an outburst, I’d hit myself in the face with the car door. “M*therf*cking, sh*t, f*cking, f*uck, f*ck, assf*cking c*cks*cking, m*therf*cking poo!” This time, though, they got to hear it from the movers. And they didn’t even bang their head on a low-hanging, concrete beam. They just shook their heads like all adults were pretty stupid sometimes.

6. I learned that I should never, ever pack at 3 am.

Never. Ever.

7. No matter what is written on the box, the movers will put a few in a random location. Like a box that says, “Master Bedroom – Upstairs – Clothes” was found in the basement office. With no bed – Or clothes – in sight. If I had to do it all over, again, I would follow them all around as if they were little leprechauns trying to hide the lucky charms, cuz they’re magically delicious.

8. I must remember to ask what all the buttons do BEFORE I actually move into a house. How do I turn on the overhead fan? This switch, no, that’s the garburator. What about this one? No, that kills a puppy in India. What about this one? No, looks like it turns on the fan light – but I know I’m getting closer. I’ve assigned the Youngest to sort it all out. He loves pressing buttons and I just hope we don’t somehow start a nuclear war with someone.

9. Just cuz the movers can lift it, doesn’t mean I can. There was a pair of boxes. I won’t say who packed them, but it wasn’t me. Or the Youngest. Or the oldest. They were good-sized boxes. The kind you fill with glasses or puffy jackets. Inside these were records. Old ones. Made from the black bits from a black hole. Man, I nearly popped out an eye lifting that one. Somehow the movers had decided not to take it to the media room and left it in the garage. I suspect on purpose.

10. Moving is stressful. For everyone. The boys. The dog. The Prettiest-girl-in-the-world. And me. But we took a moment, after all the movers had gone, as we stood in our kitchen surrounded by a wall of boxes like we were preparing to fight off a Zulu attack, we looked around and marveled at our new house. It was huge and held so much promise. Plus, pizza was on the way. It’s a good life!