Things No One Tells You About Kids
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Head lice, as seen by the mad minds behind Southpark.
You get emails from the school about head lice. HEAD LICE!!! It’s just so NOT something I worried about before kids.
2. Colds. You get a lot of them. The math is simple. Take 10% for each child. Multiple that by the number of sports they play, then add 50% by having them in school germ factories. Add another 20% if you have a child that likes to lick or touch everything in sight. Our math is as follows… 2X10% = 20%. 20% X 3sports = 60%. 60% + 50% =110%. Add in The-Youngest and it’s at 130%. Daily! It’s a wonder I’m even walking around.
3. They are way harder to train than dogs. Think more like cats. Cats who have thumbs and can figure out the internet. At best, you can guide them along or ban them from stuff.
Watching the waves roll in and making sure The-Youngest doesn’t get dragged out to Japan
4. There is absolutely no telling what advice they’ll listen to. Don’t stick your tongue into the light socket has held up pretty well so I’m counting that as a win. But ‘no standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon’s abyss’ is something that eludes them or don’t swim in the riptide.
5. They are not your audience. This came as a huge shock to me. I thought they’d be there to laugh at all my jokes, listen to all my incredible stories about back in the old days or nod with amazement as I told them how WW1 started.
6. You have to discuss sex with them at some point. Now, some people have this down, even discussing sex with their friends all the time, but me, not so much – I blush and start stammering and blinking a lot. It’s not pretty. It looks like I’m having a stroke. So, I rely on hand gestures, cartoons and, when it gets really tough, I tell them to go see their mother. Oddly, both of them seem relieved by this.
7. You must talk to other people, mostly parents. Being socially awkward, I find this hard sometimes. I’ll walk up to a group of hockey dads discussing, well, hockey. Them: “Did you see that game last night? Outstanding shot by Victor Ugumoff.” (or something) Me: “I like cake.”
8. It is even harder to lose weight. At a restaurant, after proclaiming that they are STARVING, they leave a mountain of French fries. Being, you know, frugal and all, I eat them up. Same with left-over pizza, one last cookie in a cookie box, or a candy bar found wedged between the car seats. It’s a war of frugality vs diet, and diet usually loses.
9. Your car will be a mess. Even your Mustang. Constant, daily cleaning will be needed and time being so minimal, it might be weeks before you discover that banana peel wedged under the front seat. Get used to dirt, chocolate smears, melted candy and a surprising collection of toys you thought got banned for choking hazards.
Leaving home
10. Time will fly by. In days, it seems, The-Oldest is growing a mustache. Before you blink, The-Youngest will want to be borrowing the car. Look away for a moment, and their rooms are empty, their beds untouched. No one needs a lunch made, or a hug, and the house is silent.
So, despite all the ‘fun’ of being a parent, I’m learning to cherish all the moments, good or bad, and embrace everything no one told me about.
What surprised you about being a parent?
About A Stepdad 
I was surprised at how all my carefully crafted speeches and lectures and discussions seemed not to make the slightest dent in them. And all the nasty, angry, uncool lashing out in all my bad moments seemed not to make a dent in them. But here and there, an innocent phrase, a particular way of describing something, a small secret kept because I didn’t want to scare them or worry them became mountains that changed or scarred them forever.
Oh, that’s very interesting!
Great summary! BUT, there are about another dozen or more points. Just wait…. But time takes care of everything. You’ll see, being a grandparent will be sooo much easier!
A dozen? Do tell?