If I was a better step-dad, I wouldn’t have to resort to threats. But, hey, they’re a 
part of my repertoire and I’m not afraid to use them.
We had a lot of driving to do so it was sometimes necessary to haul out the big dogs when my passengers were not sleeping and became rambunctious.
- If you don’t stop saying, ‘are we there yet?’, I’ll take the longest possible route home and stop at every bookstore along the way. And buy a book.
- Stop sticking your finger in your brother’s ear or we’re stopping at the bra store and you’ll have to help your mom pick out bras.
- If you give the bikers the finger, again, we’re going to give you a hug and kiss every day when we drop you off for school. AND we will shout, ‘We love you, pumpkin-wompkin, lovey beans!’ at the top of our lungs. Don’t think we won’t.
- If I have to ask you to turn down the music one more time, I will sing the Sound of Music. In my Julie Andrews voice. This sound has been known to make dogs howl and the Taliban confess.
- One more complaint that we did nothing for a week and I’m going to start pontificating about history, starting from the Trojan War.
- If you ask me what pontificating means once more, we’re going to download a vocabulary game on the iphone and do us some schooling.
- Whoever farts, again, and giggles about it, has to watch Dumb and Dumber. Wait, what, you want to? Ok, then. Right. It’s a marathon of Glee. (ok, this was said by the Prettiest-girl-in-the-world and it may have included me.)
- Please stop kicking the back of the driver’s seat or we will post every embarrassing picture I took of you at the Oregon Beach mansion. (FYI, the Prettiest-girl-in-the-world stopped kicking the back of my seat right away.)
It’s not easy going on long road trips, but I think we managed to make this one a success, despite the highways being gridlocked from the fires, despite spotty GPS service and despite no one going to the bathroom before we left.
In truth, the bar is set pretty low. As long as we get back alive, I count the drive as a success. Plus, on one of the trips, we stopped and ate at an old-fashioned drive-through. A&W. How cool is that?
What do you do on a long ride so you don’t murder your passengers?
About A Stepdad 