The Big Bang Clue

So, we shuffled the cards, unwrapped the dice and chose our characters. I went with Amy Ferra Fowler. The Youngest went with Raj. The Oldest, Leonard. The Prettiest-girl-in-the-world, Penny, the Prettiest-girl-on-TV.

I explained the rules as best as I could after having a glass of wine. “So, yeah, like that room is kinda where you have to go, you know to make a guess which (in this game), is called a rumor and you have to guess who did what to Sheldon and something he owns, but we each have cards that tell us which things weren’t done and where they weren’t done and then, like, we ask each other questions and, in the end, I win.

The Youngest was on to me. “Joe! That’s not in the rules!”

I told them it was in the Cluedo rules.

“What? What’s Cluedo??” The Youngest asked.

I couldn’t explain (can anyone?) why the UK game is called Cluedo.

“This is too confusing,” The Youngest added.

So I took another drink. The Youngest was right. It may have not been my finest moment as chief-explainer. So, the Prettiest-girl-in-the-world read the rules out loud – which seemed to make a difference. We all understood what had to be done. 3 cards were put aside in an envelope. Who. What. Where.

To play, we’d have to go to a room, guess who did what, and see if anyone had a card in their hand that said otherwise. You know the rules, right? If no one had any cards that could dispute your rumor, you’d race to the center of the board to have a drink. I mean, make an accusation. If you were right, you won. If you were wrong, you took a drink. No, wait, you lost. (Apparently this version of the game had absolutely no drinking component.)

So, the Youngest began by racing to a room and accusing his brother of bad smells in the bathroom. (He was still a little unsure of the rules.)

The Oldest denied it was him and blamed the dog. Then the Youngest made his first real guess. Penny defiled the toothbrush in the bathroom, all the while giggling like crazy. I think he liked the idea of defiling ANYONE’S toothbrush.

His brother beamed in triumph and showed him a card he held. The Youngest’s first guess, much to his surprise, did not win him the game on the first turn.

Then the Oldest took his turn, then the Prettiest-girl-in-the-world, then me. No suspects or crimes or locations were determined, though it was decided that I should have another glass of wine (mostly decided by me) and the boys got to have 3 chocolates because they weren’t quite hyped up enough. (When we let that happen, again, someone please remind me what sugar does to an 8 year old.)

The rumors went whizzing by. After my second glass of wine, I accused Colonel Mustard of killing Sheldon in the stairwell with the dismantled Shelbot. Apparently that was wrong. The Prettiest-girl-in-the-world, however, kept careful note of who was asking what while The Youngest hopped up and down in his chair like we had set fire to him and kept up a barrage of rumors against those he thought had done Sheldon wrong.

Then I made another brilliantly deduced guess.

“I think Theldon did it to the… the Thelbot in the Laundry room thingee place. The wine totally like thaid tho.”

The Prettiest-girl-in-the-world pointed out she’d just made the same guess.

“I know that! I’m, ah, err, you know, making my own guess.”

“Whatever,” she said.

The Oldest showed me a card that proved I’d got it wrong.

I got another glass of wine and came back. “I thay it’th that Penny girl in the red dress with the wine glath in the bedroom.”

The Prettiest-girl-in-the-world scowled. “First of all, it’s not your turn. Second, what?”

“Nevermind.” I said and sat down. But I knew it was Penny. It had to be Penny. She’s always messing with Sheldon’s stuff. I looked around and clutched my cards close to my chest as the world spun and spun and everyone got all blurry.

The Youngest leapt out of his chair and hopped up and down and made a guess that was, as far as I could tell, even worse than that whole Penny and wine glass thing. He got it wrong. It didn’t stop him from hopping even higher or making pipping noises like a big truck backing up.

The Oldest made a guess, got it wrong, then the Prettiest-girl-in-the-world moved towards a room with serious determination. I knew she had it. She knew who is was and it wasn’t Penny. She knew where it was done, and it wasn’t done wherever the hell I thought it was done.

She’s a smartie

But so am I. Even drunk. I leaned over to her. “I know whatter you be thinking. You cam foollll me.”

As she told me to put the wine glass down, I raced my character to the room she was heading for and pulled out my last brain cell and shouted out my guess. Howard. Leonard’s bedroom. Erased Hard drive.

No one could dispute it.

Everyone looked at me. I swayed in my chair. I beamed. I may have drooled. “I gottid, didn’t I?” I blurbled.

Then the Prettiest-girl-in-the-world shook her head and grinned an evil grin. “You have to make the final accusation in the center of the board, not in the room you’re in.”

Crap!

“Now we all know who did it!” shouted The Youngest.

The race was on. The Youngest needed an 8 or better to win. He rolled a five. He shouted NOOOOOOOOO at the dice. Then the Oldest rolled. He needed an 8 as well. Or better. He rolled a 4. Even worse.

But then he played his character’s special strength. He could choose to roll a second time once in the game. He rolled again. 7. He marched his character into the center of the board and prepared to declare the villain, the crime and the location.

I summoned all my guile and slurred, “I wath juss kiddin’ about my gueth, you know, right, ith totally not what I juss thaid.”

But he didn’t buy any of it. Not a word of my brilliant distraction.

He named Howard. He placed Howard in Leonard’s bedroom, which was weird in itself, and declared the crime, the erasing of the hard drive, a most devious deed indeed.

He’d won!

I clapped. Or at least tried to, but my hands kept missing each other for some reason and even staring at them didn’t make them work any better.

The Youngest howled in frustration. The Prettiest-girl-in-the-world nodded with pride (not so much at me, but at the Oldest.) The Oldest beamed. His big brain and lucky dice rolls had won again.

Revenge will be mine, I cried. It may have sounded like “Re veg will beat mime.”

I can’t wait for the next game.

Count this one game night as a success!