GI Doh

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

gi joeThe best part of this movie was a trailer for the new Star Trek epic coming out later this year. Oh, the movie wasn’t a complete disaster, but it’s one best seen on cheap Tuesdays or with a friend who’s willing to buy a ticket for you.

First, a warning to any potential female viewers. Despite promo pictures to the contrary, the Magic Mike guy, Tatum Channing or Channing Tatum – I always forget – does not, I repeat does not appear topless. The ninja guy, Stormshadow (played by Byung-hun Lee) does, however seem to love to fight without a top. But that’s it.

The plot is simple, because, well, it has to be, it’s nothing more than a vehicle for lots of things blowing up, some nifty fight scenes and loads of hi-tech guns, tanks, and bullets. The Joe’s, betrayed by their own government, must defeat the hissing Cobra Commander from destroying the world. Hoorah!

Along the way, there’s some painful dialogue, the Rock flexes his muscles, and Bruce Willis shows up to make sure old guys are represented.

ninjasPerhaps the highlight of the movie is a battle between red ninjas and the good guys, Snake eyes and Jinx, that takes place on the cliffs of the Himalayas. Using ropes, the swing at each other, swords out, death a billion feet below. Pretty cool, actually. The evil henchman Firefly is also kind of nifty as he uses, you guessed it, little metallic, remote control fireflies that go boom-boom. I ended up rooting for him. It didn’t help. He still dies.

Sorry to spoil it for everyone.

I wanted to like this movie more than I did. But I couldn’t completely shut off my brain. If you go, clear your mind, adjust your 3D glasses and enjoy the ride. It’s an action film after all. And it has plenty of action. Just not much else.

About Joe Cummings

Aquarius. Traveler. Gamer. Writer. A New Parent. 4 of these things are easy. One is not. But the journey is that much better for the new people in my life. A life I want to share with others, to help them, maybe, to make them feel less alone, sure, to connect with the greater world, absolutely.
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7 Responses to GI Doh

  1. bevcooke says:

    Sounds like Clive Cussler wrote the script.

  2. Michael says:

    Oh, no, no, no! Just because it has your name in its title. To me the question is: why would you think there was anything more than a 2% chance it would be worth your money and time. Think of it: two hours you’ll never get back. You’ll be lying in your death bed and suddenly you’ll slap your forehead and mumble “G.I. Joe.” Your loved ones will think it’s the morphine talking, but you’ll know. At least you won’t meet the director, writer, and probably most of the cast, in heaven.

  3. Michael says:

    Oops. That should read: “Just because it has your name in the title is no guarantee it’ll be special!”

  4. filmgirl says:

    Oh my. I don’t generally dislike many movies, but I actually thought about leaving this one. Boring plot. Could care less about the characters. (except one… complete botch of that scene!) Dialogue? What dialogue? And what was that scene with the red dress and the mirror? No point at all! ’nuff said. Pass Pass Pass. Joe was too kind.

    • Joe Cummings says:

      Hello, that scene you mention with the red dress nearly made the whole movie. If they had a lot more of that, it may have been a huge hit. 🙂 However, I wonder what brought you to the movie? Were you sold by the shirtless guys holding big guns on all the media releases?

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