Ok, so last episode of the season, and, as it turns out, the entire series.
The colonists are about to be attacked by the sixers and their evil backers who wear evil black berets and scowl a lot. All led by, it turns out, Commander Taylor’s son. Of course.
The bad guys are planning a big invasion of dinotopia. You know, lots of guys in camo marching back and forth. Why? Seems there is a lot of meteoric rock that is worth billions and all they have to do is strip mine it. Easy-peasy. They plan to come with the next pilgrimage. Through the portal, apparently.
But Commander Taylor gets wind of the planned invasion and what does he do? Does he surround the portal with trenches and built-up defensive berms or put out some 23rd century barbed wire, no, he gets his guys to stand in a clump (some in the field of fire of others) and waits. No wall of APCs with big ass guns. No mines. Nothing. It’s like he’s new to this war stuff.
Despite his name. COMMANDER Taylor.
However, ok, at least there’s going to be a big battle and I do love big battles.
But wait, the evil guys don’t come through the portal because, like, they don’t have to. Duh. Apparently this is common knowledge to everyone but Commander Taylor whose job it is to, like, you know, know this stuff.
Well, the baddies blow up detective dad and he gets knocked out. All the other people in the blast radius catch fire or are blown 20 feet into the air but no, he gets a boo-boo on his head. His son’s girlfriend, predictably, is not so lucky.
But her death means nothing to us because we don’t know her. We don’t care about her. She is window dressing. The son gets weepy but who the hell cares? We are supposed to feel something but all I can think is that the wee beasties will feast on lots of little bits of flesh tonight.
You know a story has gone horribly wrong when you start rooting for the dinosaurs
3 days later detective dad awakes and finds the camp has been taken by the evil black beret squad. No big battle. No seeing Commander Nathaniel Taylor in action. Nope. It’s all over.
The only thing I was looking forward to has been told to us in summary. It’s like having Luke Skywalker sitting in a Cantina and telling us they blew up the Deathstar, not actually seeing him blow the damn thing up.
Either way, the bad guys have won. Do they slaughter everyone? Nope. Do they feed a few teenagers to the dinos? I wish, but nope. All they do, (I kid you not, I couldn’t make this stuff up), is wander around acting all superior.
And when detective dad wakes up, they allow him to wander around in a stupor instead of shooting him or at least wondering who the hell is this moron and why is he staggering up to the command bungalow?
Because it would spoil the whole plot if any single bad hat has a brain cell.
Detective dad, being very smart, plays deaf and dumb. He fools all the villains into thinking he is a complete moron. He doesn’t fool me, though, he IS a complete moron.
Anyway, detective dad decides to create an underground resistance but first, he has to find a way to contact Commander Taylor. But Commander Taylor has very cleverly etched his coordinates onto bullets he fires into the black beret guys. (Ok, that was kinda cool). Detective deaf and dumb dad sneaks out and contacts Taylor and together they set up ambushes, killing the black beret guys and placing tacking devices on their vehicles, and all along, the bad guys are wondering, gosh, who is doing this?
Now, being bad guys, do they do like the Germans did and take hostages and shoot them publicly? No, cause that would make the story a lot darker and, well, better. Do they interrogate people with all sorts of fancy 22nd century anal probes? Nope. The black beret troopers sit in the bar and drink and reveal vital secrets while the villainous son stomps around and breaks things and the evil corporate dudes take a ride out into the countryside and shoot a cute looking dino just for fun to show that, yes, they actually are evil.
I know. It makes no sense but then again, they’re evil and don’t need a reason for anything that would get in the way of the plot. They don’t see how dangerous Taylor or dad detective dad can be. They don’t even think it’s wise to honor their agreement with the sixers, their allies. Nope. All they are interested in is blowing up all the trees and cuter dinos and mining some sort of rockie stuff.
Like all terribly written villains, they suffer from overwhelming stupidity.
So, big surprise, the good guys stop the bad guys from blowing up dinos and even though the evil son sees his father getting away and has some sort of acme rocket launcher, his father escapes ’cause, like, the rocket launcher misses. Yup. 200 years to make a rocket launcher that can hit something and this one misses. Wille E Coyote style.
The plot demanded it.
That leads to a decision by the resistance dudes to close the portal once and for all. From the earth end. It’s up to detective dad to ninja sneak back to the 22nd century.
Well, actually it turns out it is. He sneaks onto a supply truck with a ploy so obvious that it could have been spotted by a freckled-face ten year old slurping on a dripping ice cream cone but do the hard-core, battle-hardened, elite mercenaries see anything. Nope. They all manage to look in the wrong direction and so the ploy works out just fine. Why? ‘Cause it has to. The plot demands it.
And guess what? Detective dad gets back to the 22nd century. Oooh, big surprise. Now, he didn’t actually have to do anything to get through, the black berets just stand around looking smug and sinister.
Meanwhile, CommanderTaylor and his son meet in an EPIC battle. Father vs son. The son hates him, it turns out, because Commander Taylor was given a Sophie’s choice way back in Somalia. Seems the Somalis captured him and his family and gave him a choice, you could only save one and he saved the son. Somehow, the son now blames the dad for getting mommy raped and murdered. So he’s gonna wreck the world cause he thinks his dad was a douche.
Well, such an epic battle you have not seen! Two punches later the son is on the ground all teary eyed and asks his dad, Commander Taylor, to forgive him and of course dad gives him a big hug and, ooooh wait, huge surprise, the son has a knife and stabs dad.
But then son is shot twice – TWICE, mind you – in the chest, when Commander Taylor’s daughter somehow manages to arrive on scene in the nick of time, despite this battle being the jungle somewhere. She rushes to her dad, Commander Taylor and then, wait, the son is gone! Oh my god, he got up after being shot twice in the chest?
‘Cause the plot demands it.
Back on earth, Detective dad unleashes a nasty surprise – a big ass dino charges out and eats all the greedy corporate types, the last one eaten while he is having a merry chat with Detective dad and somehow neither hears nor sees nor feels the thunderous feet of the great, bloody T-rex! I mean, really? Why? (Oh, you know the answer by now).
So detective dad plants a big bomb and it goes off and like all big bombs, detective dad can run from it with a dino on his ass. Running from explosions is pretty easy, apparently. The blast goes nice and slow and even if you look back and stumble a little, don’t worry, it’s not like it’s traveling nearly than the speed of sound.
But wait, back in dinotopia, there are still a lot of those evil beret boys with lots of gun and boots and fancy cars. What a great battle this will be. The outnumbered and outgunned forces of light will have to attack a fortified position with hostages. Oh boy, this will be great.
It might have been but no, the beret boys just left. Just. Left.
Everyone is safe. The beret boys are heading to the bad lands for something mysterious. Like they couldn’t have sent ten guys.
Everyone is happy.
But seriously, Whisky Tango Forxtrot?
Oh my God, that sounds horrible. Why on earth did you put up with it…. But I love your penultimate line: that should become proverbial, like “jumping the shark”. “And then the Ewoks sing.” Just when you think things couldn’t become stupider, “the Ewoks sing”. Yes. Excellent.
Mike, it had dinosaurs!
I think I will pitch a show to hollywood where the dinosaurs are the main character and they build a fortified camp and run out every so often to eat teenagers.