About A Stepdad

Yesterday I went (sadly  alone) to see the new John Carter movie.  Big screen.  3D.  Big bag of buttery popcorn.  Coke.  Low expectations.

I have a few thoughts.

It’s the type of movie you sit through thinking, is it almost over?

However, some things you have to love.  If you are a nerd.  The top nerdie things 5….

1)     Perfect CGI of the Tharks, the four-armed, green-skinned martians.  Flawless lighting effects on their bodies.  Flawless rending of their skin.  Flawless muscle movement, even on their faces.

2)     Epic and brilliantly CGI’d world of dust and rock and ruins.  Some say it was bleak, I say, sure, but CGI’d bleak.

3)     Lovable Martian dog companion.  Ok, not a dog per se but if it pants and growls and slobbers and like’s a good rubbing, then it’s a dog.

4)     Lots of skimpy outfits from the female guards and the hot princess to that dude from Friday Night Lights (Taylor Kitsch).  I don’t think he spends more than 10 min on screen without his shirt off, and the princess’s wedding dress looks more like something from the porn version, Long Carter of Mars.

5)     The airships, the other monsters, the weapons, the mounts, the decorations and details, all fantastic.   The CGI guys deserve a pat on the back.

But here’s the thing.  Over all, the movie fails.

It suffers from a severe case of Lucasitis.  That is to say, plot, character, depth, emotion, not needed, just give me a good looking Gungun.

And I am their target audience.  Nerdie.  Love CGI.  Love good battle scenes.  Love a good love story.  But I also love something that’s gripping, something that makes me think or feel, something that has a good villain and an epic hero and a moment that can somehow capture the entire movie.

This one has good CGI.

So here’s the plot.  It starts on Mars with a confusing battle and history lesson and some magical/techno powers are given to detective Jimmy McNulty (from the Wire) by Mark Strong, (the go-to snuggle toothed villain from the first Sherlock Holmes movie.)    Then we go to earth and spend some time with the writer, Edgar Rice Burroughs.  Yes, we spend time with the writer.  Then  John Carter’s story begins via a book he left behind for his nephew, the writer.  Does it start on  Mars?  Nope, we start with JC in the old west.  We start with his quest for caves and a bar fight and some funny scenes of him trying to escape the law (in this case, the 7^th cavalry) and then everyone is chased by Indians and John Carter finally, FINALLY, finds the cave that takes him to Mars.

On Mars, he can jump really high.  And throw really far.  And break chains, sometimes but not always.  And seems to have great strength, sometimes but not always.  Anyway, he kinda wants to get back home for his gold but he’s captured but the greenskinned CGI tharks and meets a princess and they have some snappy dialogue and they fight together and she wants to save her people or not get married to the Wire detective, I’m really not sure which, but he decides going home is more important than helping her, all the while the evil snuggle-toothed villain teleports here and there and assumes random disguises so he can influence the outcome of history.  Whew.

Got it?  I didn’t.  I like my plots easy to understand.  Batman, stop the Joker or he will destroy Gotham City.  Luke, stop that heavy-breathing cool dude in black armor from destroying the Republic.   Indie, stop the Nazis from getting the golden trunk of awesomeness.

Anyway, at some point he falls for the princess but she decides she has to marry Detective McNulty and he gets captured by different and meaner greenskinned Tharks and defeats some big, fluffy beastie in the arena which makes all the Tharks love him and off they all charge to save the princess or the world or something, I’m really not sure.

There is an epic battle at the end, the good guy gets the girl, poor McNulty, who I was kinda rooting for at this point, dies some weird techno-magical death and then I think the hero and heroine have sex but this is a Disney Movie so it’s not that hot, sweaty Spartacus love making, it’s more I Love Lucy.  Then he’s teleported back to earth by the snuggle-toothed villain who seems to have all sorts of cool powers except when it really counts.  It should have ended there, John Carter, finally finding love again, only to have it snatched from him but no, it goes on for a bit and ends with silliness.

And here is what I thought throughout the entire film.  This was written by Michael Chabon.  (to be fair, amongst others).  Spiderman 2, Michael Chabon.  The Wonderboys, Michael Chabon.  The guy who won a freaking Pulitzer prize for his novel The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay.  Michael Chabon!

Did he watch that movie and think, damn, yo, I totally nailed it, this was epic awesomesauce?  Or did he facepalm himself and slink out of the theater hoping no one would recognize him?  Oi, I hope the latter.

So, if you like CGI genius, if you like a shirtless Taylor Kitsch or love to go to a movie that is easy to rant about, then this is for you.  If not, go watch Spiderman 2.  That’s nerdie story-telling at its best.

Not sure this show is as good as its predecessors but this latest episode, Sacramentum, had perhaps the most original death-in-the-arena-scene of all time. Ok, it wasn’t actually in the arena, it was in the front courtyard of the temple where Spartacus and his merry band of freed slaves are hanging out, but oh momma, Spartacus’ killing of the hairy, Germanic tribesman…never seen anything like it.

Be warned.  Spoiler alert.  Gruesome spoiler alert.

He lops half the German’s head off.  Not the usual way, horizontally, top of the head off, no, he lops the front of the German’s skull off, from above the adam’s apple straight up.  The big German staggers back, his severed tongue wags, blood spurts, as it always does in this show, and what’s left of his brain slides out of his skull like a microwave roast from the plastic bag.  Plop.

Yikes.

Did they go a little too far with that one?

One of my favorite shows in TV.  If I had to watch only 5 shows, this would be one of them.  I PVR it, I watch it, I discuss it with friends, I anticipate the next show and wonder what will happen.

However, the last 2 shows had some disappointing moments.

Now, if you haven’t seen the last shows, stop reading now.  Stop.  Now.  Don’t even look down.  Don’t.  I will spoil things if you do.

Ok?  Seen it?  Then read on…

At the end of Better Angels, Shane gets stabby-stab-stabbed by Rick.  Some questions/flaws but ok.  So then the son shows up, assuming (I guess,) that he saw his dad and Shane through the binoculars, (though why Shane would lead Rick all the way back to the farm field, I have no idea) and then rushes out to, what see his dad?  but ends up pointing his gun at his dad, but wait, it’s not at his dad, he’s pointing it at Zombie-Shane who is shambling and Grrr, ugh, nrrring his way to feast on Rick’s flesh.

Does Rick hear the grrr, ugh, nrrrring?  Nope.  We do.  He doesn’t.  I guess he’s so focused on his son that he’s gone deaf.

And that’s what rubs me the wrong way.  Stupid things happen so something in the plot will work.

Hey, zombies make noises.  Grrr.  Ugh.  Nrrrrr.

Instantly I was back in last week’s episode where Dale wanders out in the dark only to get jumped by a zombie.  Ok, so how could he possibly miss the zombie?  If it was super dark, and believe me, I’ve been in super dark and it’s like you turn off the lights, put your hands over your eyes and a pillow over your head – you can’t see a freaking thing.  If that was the case, then he wouldn’t be able to see where he was walking.

Or was it kinda moonlightie and starie?  If so, how did he miss a slowly lumbering zombie approaching him?  How?

It’s not like Dale hasn’t lived in a zombie-infested world.  Surely he has evolved enough to keep his eyes freaking open but no, he sees nothing, doesn’t hear the zombie grrr, ugh, nrrr, doesn’t even smell the zombie until it ninjas him and rips open his stomach.

Silly, silly, silly.

Why not have the mist on the ground and Dale hears the grrr, ugh, nrrr and smells the zombie and desperately looks around but can’t see it, can’t find it, only to have a zombie hand reach out from the mist and pull Dale down, biting him just enough to infect him.  I mean, this show is all about the tough moral choices.  Eviscerated Dale getting shot, not all that tough.   Soon-to-be Zombie Dale, with just a bite on his leg, that’s tougher.

But whatever.  Dale, cautious, caring Dale has to do something stupid for the plot to move forward.

And that brings us back to the boy, Carl, shooting Zombie-Shane.  Why?  To make that happen, Rick has to be stupid and/or deaf, the son has to somehow make it out just in time for all of this and then he has to shoot Shane in the head at what is not a short distance for someone who’s not used to guns!

Grrr.  Ugh.  Nrrr!

But it gets worse.  The moment that happens I think, Damn, Rick stabs looney-toons-Shane and then his son shoots Zombie-Shane and I’m half expecting mom to come out from the tree line and pitchfork Dead-Really-Dead-Shane through the eyes.  That way, the whole family could have a hand in it.

Grrr.  Ugh.  Nrrr.

However, the end, after all that silliness, was awesome.  An homage to George A Romero’s movie where zombies attack an isolated farmhouse.  A whole butt-load of zombies at that.

Brilliant.

I HAVE to see the next episode!

Despite the temptation of ads on FB or in my email, there were things I didn’t do today.

Didn’t get a Brazilian wax.  Not even sure what that is.  Will google.

Didn’t get my eyelashes extended.  I think they’re fine.  Eyebrows seem to be growing like crazy but they can be dealt with by a pair of scissors and a quiet chat to them while I look in the mirror.

Didn’t get a year of tanning.  I’ve spent years cultivating the pasty, troll-that-lives-under-the-stairs-look, no sense in changing that now.

Didn’t get a 4 month boxing membership even though I thought, hey, that’s kinda cool.  However, I have never been a big fan of getting punched in the face and the location would require about an hour drive there and back.  Hard to get motivated.

Didn’t get a Swedish massage.  Again, what is that?  Is it in Sweden?  Will google.  Don’t really want anyone touching me unless I’m pretty clear what’s going to happen.

From Facebook

Didn’t get KY Brand lube!  WTF?  What site did I go to where a cookie was created that said I might be interested in KY lubricant?  (And, no, never searched for porn on this computer, it’s my writing computer).

Didn’t get the Fusion Pro Glider.  Adrien Brody staring at me with a cheesy magician’s goatee creeped me out.

Didn’t get a Canadian Pardon.  Don’t need one.  At least that I know about.

Did check out Boutique Downtown Homes In Victoria.  Dammit.  They got me on that one.  They know I’ve been looking at Victoria Real Estate.  Pretty nice suites but out of my price range.

Now to delete all my cookies.

Mmmm.  Cookies.

First off, when I looked outside, the hurricane wind had blown my garbage can into the middle of the street and then rolled it to the end of the cul-de-sac.  How no one had hit it or decided to move it from the middle of the road was beyond me but I raced out and got it.  No socks.  No shoes.  No coat.   Oh so cold.

But, hey, this is Langley.  At least I had pants on.

Came back in, dressed for the real world and went out to grab a coffee and write.  Got 20 pages done.  Deleted probably another 10.  Groc shopped and took the doggies out and came up with a new cure for a migraine.  Freaking cold wind.  Yup.  It works.  I stomped around in the freezing wind all huddled up and feeling sorry for myself that I forgot about my migraine.   Fight pain with pain.  It works.  (Or maybe it was the combination of fresh air, another fist-full of aspirin and more food.)

However, I feel like I may need to rant a bit.  Walking Dead.  Spartacus.  Amazing Race.

I’ll post that tomorrow.

Or Where Did the Day Go?

Woke up with a migraine which didn’t help anything.   Had so much to do today – mostly due to procrastination and trying to figure out the blog thingee yesterday.  Had to get groceries, walk the doggies, get another blog post done, and work on the 100 pages I’d promised my friend, Sean, I would get done by Wednesday (still 80 to go!)  Had to do the dishes since the kitchen was beginning to look like a  home 10 years after the zombie apocalypse.   Had to do laundry since I was running out of socks and shirts that didn’t have a Star Wars logo on them.

But the light, it burns, it burns.  Straight throw my eyes and into my skull.  Personally, I blame the veggies I’ve been eating, I think it’s been too great a shock to my body.  So, time for the tried and true migraine remedy.  Eat something., take a fist-full of aspirin and a lie down with a pillow over my head.

Flash forward.

3pm.

Got up, still headachie, but had to get something done.  Something.

I took one look outside and knew what I had to do first.

So I sat for a while sipping coffee and pondered what should be my first post.

Likely almost everyone reading this post will be a friend of mine.  Or an acquaintance.  So they know that I lost my wife two years ago, they know how that shattered my world, they know that I am struggling to find a purpose in life.  They know I have two doggies, Freya and Vegas.  They know I’m an Aquarius, a gamer, a writer and a traveler.  They know my life is in transition.  They just don’t know how it will all turn out.

The truth is, neither do I.

I have no idea what the next year will be like.  Will I be able to eat better, exercise, lose weight?  Will I find love again?  Will I be able to refocus and succeed as a writer?   Will I remember where I put the car keys?

So why a blog?

First off, it’s because of a job I want very badly.  A paid blogging position.  Richmond Tourism.  Imagine this: I get money to eat and write about it?  Me.  An average Joe.  How cool would that be?  How perfect is this job?

But that’s not the entire reason.  I want to get back into writing, fall back in love with it.  I want to talk about my writing.  I want to travel and write about my adventures.  I want to write reviews.  I want to rant and rave again.  I want to pop off on pop culture.  I want to entertain and enlighten and empower.

And I want to be READ.

I also want to hear people’s opinions, what they think I got right and what they think I got wrong.  I want to start a conversation or create a space to share reviews, travel, whatever.

So.  1 Blog per day.   Every day.  For  a month.  Maybe longer.  Something about life or what I observe or what I feel.  A personal blog.  Not a business blog, not a political blog, not a food blog, though I may have those things in here at some point.

No.

A blog about me.

Just Joe.